DDude's Thoughts

Now Avatar Makes Sense...

2011-06-29T15:13:00.000-07:00

In the movie Avatar, it turns out that all of the trees on the planet are joined in a massive godlike hivemind called Eywa - who is conincidentally the Na'vi God. So, Eywa is a planetary brain made out of all the trees of the world. That alone is quite amazing, but not divine.

Okay, so all Pandoran life hooks into her, but only plants are wired to her network full-time. Eywa liked being worshiped as a goddess and chose to use her control of the world's more primitive animals to keep the Na'vi locked in scientific and technological stasis so that they would never advance far enough in science to study her true nature and blow the whole thing. After all, when she provides them what they need, why would they advance?

Her plans hit a snag when humans came to Pandora. Here was a sentient species with technology to reach the stars and the science to figure out what she really is. These people obviously had to be gotten rid of before they could spill the big secret to the Na'vi. But she had to do it in such a way that no curious Na'vi would consider talking to or learning from the humans should they return, which ruled out a simple Zerg Rush of wildlife (which would also have risked the humans attacking from orbit).

She finds out that they are here for the Unobtanium, which is the perfect source for the conflict she needs. Eywa, in her role as Na'vi goddess, tells her people to be as uncooperative as possible. She has them spurn all offers of technology or science, and tells them to ignore the desperate need the humans have for the stuff that they're sitting on. As per her orders, some engage in low-level guerrilla warfare (such as the arrows on the truck tires). They expel the school from their village, which raises tension.

When Jake Sully arrive on the planet and becomes an Avatar, she senses in him someone bitter with humanity and fascinated by the lushness of Pandora. As a bonus, he is not a scientist. She decides that these things make him valuable as a pawn, which is why she called off Neytiri's attacking him and orders him let into the Hometree. She has him bond with animals of Pandora, perhaps subtly messing with his brain via her control of them, until he comes to feel more Na'vi than human. This has the bonus effect of distracting him from his diplomatic mission.

She needs atrocities to be sure that the Na'vi remain anti-human and anti-science. She allows the destruction of the Hometree in order to galvanize the anti-human sentiments of both her pawn Jake and the Na'vi. The naive chumps make it even easier for her by bringing her Dr. Grace to heal. Grace is the top scientist on the planet, who had been actively hunting her secret and who would have loved to reveal it if she found it; that would have caused Eywa's whole charade to crumble. And she gets to "heal" her? Perfect! As a bonus, Grace was shot by a human, so Jake's anti-human sentiments were raised even further. Dr. Grace took wounds in the chest, which shouldn't affect her mind — but they do give Eywa the perfect excuse after she absorbs the poor woman's mind. "Her wounds were too great"? Likely story. She was still alive, and her mind was intact. Nothing stopped the transfer but the fact that she would be far more useful to Eywa dead than alive. Also, to be sure that Jake further reveres her, she has Grace's hollow shell say, "I'm with her, Jake. She's real." A planetary brain that can control thousands of animals at once can control one more body (even a human one) for a minute.

Then, to ensure that all the tribes of Na'vi remember the humans only as bringers of death, she gave Jake the Toruk to gain power over them. He led them into battle, where the humans' superior technology easily slaughters them. Eywa wanted this. She needed plenty of death to get the Na'vi to hate and distrust humans forever after. A

fter she judged the slaughter to be sufficient, she commanded her mindless herd of slave-beasts to charge and overwhelm the humans. She could have done that at any time.

After that, she has the Na'vi "escort" the humans offworld. Note her insidious effect on her pawn Jake Sully: by then, he referred to his own species as "aliens". Then she transferred Jake Sully's mind to his avatar form permanently, probably performing any remaining necessary mind rearranging as well.

The plan worked like a charm. The humans are gone. The Na'vi are led by a firmly anti-human leader who deifies her. The Navi are embittered towards the humans. There is no more risk of the Navi realizing that they've been played for fools. That's right, the true villain won. You just didn't see it.

(This is an edit of a Fan Theory which blew my mind.)

2011-06-25T19:55:00.000-07:00

I wonder...

2011-06-13T17:07:00.000-07:00

I wonder at what age I will start untying and then re-tying my shoelaces properly, instead of just jamming my feet into already-tied shoes.

X-Men: First Class - Review

2011-06-08T19:51:00.000-07:00

The X-Men comics were always far too... well, 40 years worth of being too big and sprawling for me to ever really start reading. I know bits and pieces of the X-Men’s history. I know the cliff-notes of the Phoenix Saga and the Extinction story arc, and I’m aware of who most of the main X-Men are. Like a good Joss Whedon fanboy I’ve read his short run on Astonishing X-Men. (Although, I got thoroughly confused as to what was going on when they got to Breakworld, but then that’s another thing entirely.)

I’ve seen all the X-Men movies a couple of times each, and I even watched Wolverine when it was in cinemas, despite it being a dull and pointless waste of two hours of my life. And so I can say this with some conviction – First Class is the best X-Men movie yet.

The story is fairly simple, and right there in the title. This movie takes place in the 1960s, when the two old guys from the previous movies were young. Before they were Professor X and Magneto, they were just Charles and Erik. Two people who happened to have superpowers, which they use to help the CIA track down an ex-Nazi trying to destroy the world. And the movie takes itself just as seriously as it should with a plot synopsis as bonkers as that.

This isn’t Batman, where a serious director is trying to fit the Dark Knight into a gritty and realistic setting to deal with dark themes. This isn’t Spiderman, where we see how an ordinary guy deals with the pressures and dangers of his responsibility. It’s a fun crazy blockbuster that moves quickly, with lots of characters with superpowers that they like to show off.

The real strength of this film is the cast. All of the main X-Men are great to watch, they have an amazing screen presence, and they all have their own story arcs, which we see in this first movie instead of being teased that it might come in sequels. They aren’t making progress for progress sake, they all have reasons for being who they are, and most important of all, for becoming who they become.

It’s a shame the villains are never that menacing, and that they don’t have much to do. Their ‘plan’ is under-explained at best, and a huge plot hole if you ever think about it, and so they don’t actually do much. Kevin Bacon is the only one who actually speaks, and all January Jones does is give people cold looks.

There are some very cool action scenes, and the finale (with the submarine) is the coolest scene I’ve seen at the cinema this year. It’s not a flawless movie, it doesn’t break new ground, and it isn’t a must see. But as a summer blockbuster, it is good fun, and I don’t ask more than that.

Captain America - final trailer

2011-06-05T16:23:00.000-07:00

Final trailer before the film is released, and it's looking amazing. I'm off to see X-Men soon, so I'll review that once I've seen it.

Super 8 is unfair...

2011-06-02T19:06:00.000-07:00

I have just discovered some sad news.

The movie Super 8, the project being worked on by Steven Spielberg and J.J Abrams, which looks all kinds of awesome and which I am looking forward to seeing...

... is getting a delayed release in Europe. In America, it's being shown in cinemas from June 9th. Western Europe has to wait two whole months before we can see this film.

I want to watch your movie. Why wont you let me give you my money for this movie! I want to give you my money, you fools!

Truth..

2011-05-28T18:40:00.000-07:00

As always, click the picture to embiggen.

Community in Cougar Town.

2011-05-26T20:41:00.000-07:00

So, about a month ago, an episode of Community ended with one of the characters telling an anecdote about how he was able to be an extra in Cougar Town. It was pretty forgettable.

And yet, jump forward to the season finale of Courgar Town, (a show I don't watch, but someone on the internet does,) and during a scene with two characters having a conversation at an outdoor table, there in the middle ground… is Abed.

It’s such an extraordinary pay-off to a joke. A joke is set up on one show, and the punchline is in another show, on another channel, in the next month. And as Abed had described it in Community, he panics mid-scene, and runs off the set, catching the attention of the regular characters for a moment. A nice touch.

An Unfortunate Editorial.

2011-05-25T10:56:00.000-07:00

So, an editorial over on Technology Website, VentureBeat has become infamous this week. In his weekly column, (which I don't think many people were read before this,) Dean Takahashi goes on a rant about how the new Warhammer 40k videogame is a shameless rip-off of Gears of War. He writes that the similarities are embarassing, and of course, he then gets ripped a new one by an angry internet posse who can;t believe he didn;t bother to quickly google warhammer and realise it predates Gears of War by decades.

Anyways, it's just such a cringe worthy piece to read, and the comments section just proves how no-one should ever express an opinion on the internet.

http://venturebeat.com/2011/05/25/how-many-ways-can-thqs-space-marine-game-rip-off-gears-of-war/

One Year Later.

2011-05-23T10:39:00.000-07:00

Happy One Year Anniversary of the finale of Lost.

Live together, die alone. Do not mistake coincidence for fate. Don't tell me what I can't do. See you on the other side. Whatever happened, happened. We have to go back. You make your own luck.

See you in another life, Brother.

Superheroes 2011

2011-05-12T17:05:00.000-07:00

There are four big budget Superhero movies coming out this summer, and I am excited for all of them. Here is a quick preview of how I await them.

Thor: isn't shown anywhere in Exeter in 2d, and I have no interest in seeing it in 3d with crappy and expensive glasses. Why is my life so hard!

Green Lantern: was recently given an additional $9million to "fix" the special effects, because that is the most important thing about a movie where computer-generated Ryan Reynolds hits other computer-generated people.

Captain America: Chris Evens is made to look first malnourished, and then later made to look like he is on a boat-load of steroids, using computers. This is awesome.

X-Men, First Class: I paid money to see the Wolverine movie, and wished I hadn't, and then there was a quote about trying to get Twlight levels of angsty self-obsessed melodrama in, and then I stopped caring. Then they released a new trailer, and I cannot wait for this movie. Yes, I am aware that my geek heart is fickle.

A Fistful of Paintballs

2011-05-05T16:00:00.000-07:00

Community have just done a second paintball episode. I had been worried, that this season finale would just be a lame attempt at trying to recapture the magic of last year. The worst of Community this year, (even though there's been only a few poor episodes), has been the writers relying on the best of last year, rehashing old plots as a crutch for a poor script.

This was not a crutch for a poor finale. This was amazing.

Community is the best sitcom of TV. By such a long way. I love this show, oh so much.

Sorry for lack of posts.

2011-04-28T15:18:00.000-07:00

Sorry about a lack of posts; I've been writing my dissertation, which has filled up my life quota with a whole headache of jumbled writing.

I remember having to decide on my dissertation topic at about 4am the day before deadline, over a year ago now. That was not the first I had given it consideration, of course, but having almost all of my mind working on my second year project, due that same day, an unmarked dissertation proposal was a distant second priority.

I ended up going with my gut choice, but it was a vague and undefined question covering the Pacific in WW2. That was about as well defined as it was a year ago. 'Something something Japan something 1930-1945.'

For this essay I'm finishing writing now, that 'something' has become the history of the Singapore base, the great folly of the British Empire in the 1920s & 30s. It didn't become that until nearer christmas. Partly, it took so long to define the thing because while it was undefined it was in a state of limbo where I could push it from my mind. I had time, so it wasn't a real problem. It's probably my biggest mistake in the whole dissertation, putting defining the question off because that would make the problem too real. It was make it too hard. While it was not a question, but only a topic, I could feel progress through vague research, instead of getting on with real work.

Truth be told, that was not too big a flaw. I dealt with it now, or so I hope. But given how I've handled the whole thing, it's been going pretty well. I don't want to speak more about it while i'm still writing the thing, but I'm sure I'll tell it some time.

Game Of Thrones

2011-04-26T21:45:00.000-07:00

So, Game of Thrones started this week, and I'm loving this show. The look and feel of the show is amazing, building a world I really cannot wait to see more of. The cast is more of less perfect, especially the children, which I was afraid they would have trouble with, especially given the tough things coming later in the series for them.

With the mindset of having read the books, it stuck me how well they managed to strike an incredible balance between remaining faithful and integrating new material. The new scenes felt like they fitted perfectly into the narrative, instead of clearly being inserted artificially. There was a fair amount of world building and exposition, but that is always necessary for a story with a scope as grand as this.

But, really, the thing I hope they keep to, for it is the thing I love most about the books, is that everything every character does is because of who they are. Ned and his honour, Cercei and her family, Sanha and her fairytale prince, Jon and his bitterness. Their story is driven by actions, but not defined by them, and the characters adapt to their lives, as is so often forgotten in genre televisions. In GoT, the characters have a reason for what they do, they have a motive, and trying to work out what that is, that's why this show is so exciting for someone who already knows where actual the narrative is going.

I love this series so much, and I cannot wait to love this show.

Dissertation Problems

2011-04-24T14:26:00.000-07:00

Affect/Effect

Seriously, english language, why bother with two words?

*headdesk*

It ironic or something.

2011-04-18T18:20:00.000-07:00

There is no better way to be great at something than to be busy working hard at something else.

I'm sitting there, writing my dissertation, and *bang!*, I have a great idea for something hilarious to write.

But as soon as I log in, it's gone. You have no idea the number of amazing anecedotal observations that posterity is missing out on.

Game Of Thrones Tomorrow!

2011-04-17T19:43:00.000-07:00

Game of Thrones starts tonight, I literally cannot wait.

Exam revision

2011-04-13T10:14:00.000-07:00

Revising for final exams is an amazing buzz kill. Everything fun in the world becomes less fun, thanks to the pressure of knowing that any second that you aren't preparing, you are getting dumber.

It is actually worse than writing my dissertation, because there I can feel a small sense of achievement and put that pressure from my mind.

I think I'm gonna spend this month focusing more on that small sense of achievement.

I can relate

2011-03-27T13:15:00.000-07:00

This happens to me all the time.

Now on Tumblr!

2011-03-21T19:23:00.000-07:00

ThinkingDDude is now on Tumblr!

Oh! The wonderful news!

Click the link to see.

I Cannot Wait

2011-03-17T19:07:00.000-07:00

One month to go until the first episode of Game of Thrones! I so cannot wait! And, the day my exams are over I am totally going to start reading Clash of Kings.

To quote Rebecca Black, I so Excited!

Busy, sorry

2011-03-12T19:31:00.000-08:00

Been busy recently, sorry for the lack of updates.

I will re-read GoT.

2011-03-08T11:16:00.000-08:00

I'm thinking about re-reading Game of Thrones. With the TV show starting soon, it's been on my mind. And it is a brilliant story, and I really want to get into the world properly this summer, reaing the sequels now that I have the time.

Of course, it is quite long, so I'll probably spread it out until the end of Easter.

Winter is coming!

Said Sirius Seriously

2011-03-01T17:34:00.000-08:00

Just a thought...

2011-02-28T19:10:00.000-08:00

Having a birthday on February 29th wouldn't actually be too bad. I mean, aside from people making those occasional jokes about it, and you having to celebrate a day early or late, it would be an otherwise decent time of the year for a birthday.

My real sympathy is for those whose birthday is right next to Christmas. Or, worst of all, on Christmas day. Those poor brave souls.

Cool Cats

2011-02-20T11:14:00.000-08:00

Yes, that is a picture from the newest episode of Community, and yes, they are in costume as Cool Cats. I'm loving this show so much.

My Comma Crisis

2011-02-18T13:37:00.000-08:00

OK, so, this is, on the grand scheme of problems, about as serious as that time I asked for spicy cheese on my subway and they gave me american cheese. That time I decided not to say anything, because, y'know, the decision had been made and since it was trivial, there was little left for me to waste my time on.

See, this here, is about as serious as that, because, this is the crisis I am going through right now, and it is all about abusing commas. Of course, here I am playing it up for emphasis, (EMPHASIS!), but nonetheless, it is something I want to cut down on. Mainly because I have to write an essay by hand, again, this summer, for my final exams, which is something I haven't had to do since, oh I dunno, this time last year, in those exams.

See, the first time I write any essay it always ends up being a jumble of loosely formed thoughts, sometimes with an actual academic point, other times involving words that have been misspelled and misstyped, and then, during my second stage of essay writing, I tidy everything up and it starts to look like, totally, some actual, real, academic thoughts instead of the demented livejournal twilight fanfiction of a thirteen year old girl living in California.

And one of the reasons for this is my use of commas when I don't actually have an end for a sentence planned. And it makes my work read amateur. And I, totally, hate that. I am definitely the sort of person who begins a sentence and then thinks up where it will end whilst speaking. It almost always works out fine... although sometimes it means that... I end up trailing off... as I realise.. I have nothing left to say... because... of...

Damn, did it again.

Long story rapidly coming to an end, while reaching the point where it can't be called a 'short story', I want to avoid this this summer. And so I have been paying more attention to how I use commas in my essays. I will probably dump the spare ones over here, so consider yourself warned.

You want me to think of a title too? Bleh.

2011-02-15T15:11:00.000-08:00

I've been waiting for Windows to finish installing updates. So I ate a biscuit. Then ate another biscuit. IT CAN'T GO ON LIKE THIS. I only have so many biscuits.

And yes, it was worth it to blog that thought, as soon as Windows finally allowed me to again access the sacred internet.

Ronald Regan Day

2011-02-06T19:09:00.000-08:00

So what are you doing to celebrate the first annual Ronald Regan day?

Leap Year Fact

2011-02-02T14:05:00.000-08:00

If this were a leap year, then today, February 2nd, would be the 33rd day of the month, and we would have 333 days left of the year.

I would wait until the next leap year to drop this knowledge bomb, and I am sure it would be more impressive on the actual day, but hey, if I wait, I'll probably forget it.

XKCD

2011-01-26T14:41:00.000-08:00

XKCD are back on great form. And here they do what they do best... jokes about physics. In Rio de Janeiro, at the 2016 Olympics, the same jump would get an athlete 0.25% higher, (which is still less than 1cm,) than in London 2012. Not a huge difference, but still interesting.

As always, click the picture to embiggen.

New TV 2010 – The Mega Review Part 5

2011-01-17T15:36:00.000-08:00

Better With You –ABC

To be totally honest, I had very little hope for this. It is a romcom, based upon two sisters. One of them is in a long term relationship, but not married, and the other has just got engaged with a guy she’s only known for seven weeks. Oh, and there’s their parents, who’re cynical, just like all old people are. There is no introduction to a wacky neighbour, no mention of kooky friend, the pilot episode is just these three couples. And it is filmed like a standard sitcom, with three wall sets and a laugh track. It seemed like a run of the mill, totally forgettable, potentially annoyingly melodramatic, romcom. I was not intrigued. And yet it was funny.

I laughed several times. At actually funny jokes! They were pretty well set up, and they were timed just right. This sets it up to possibly be the funniest of the traditional-comedies this season. (The depressing thing is that how that is damning with faint praise.) Of course, I’m not convinced it’s really my thing. Most of the plot looks like it was draw from jokes about their relationships, and all the characters seem a bit too fond of bearing their souls to each other. And while the actors all put in solid performances, the conversations all do stick with ‘deliver exposition, pause for affect, sarcastic punchline!’ But if you are looking for a tv romcom, then this looks like it could turn out to be a pretty decent example of it. And hell, it is so very many miles better than Mike & Molly or $#*! My Dad Says.

Undercovers – NBC

Undercovers was a spy show, based upon a two married spies getting back into the business they thought they’d quit. I say it ‘was’ a show, because in the months it has taken me to get around to writing this up, poor ratings have meant it has already been cancelled. It was a light-hearted spy show, with an adventure-of-the-week style, and truth be told it seemed like a poor version of much better shows. It was not as funny as Chuck. It didn’t have the heart of Chuck. It was just not as good as Chuck. And it couldn’t complete with the more engrossing season-plotline of Nikita.

The twist was that these are two newly married spies, who slowly find out they might not know each other as well as they thought. They have a civilian life of trying to run a restaurant, which truthfully just felt like needless baggage on their spy-work. They had a handler who gives them missions and gadgets, and he was the most annoying prat imaginable. Their chemistry wasn’t that great, and I didn’t really care about them. And most of the episode took place at night, which honestly got annoying with everything happening in the dark all the time.

But this was not a bad show. It was a decently made, enjoyable spy show. It just wasn’t good enough to watch or recommend. I suppose it is a shame it has been cancelled, but honestly it comes as a bit of a relief not to have to think about watching any more of this. As I said, not because it is bad, but because I would much rather watch new episodes of Chuck or Nikita.

Chase – NBC

This is a show about US Marshalls, who track down the most dangerous, on the run, criminals. They don’t play by the rule, don’t wait for warrants, and they run about getting results, goddamnit. Annie Frost leads the team of Marshalls, which often seems to involve chasing people on foot. The pilot gives about a third of its airtime to establishing the man who is on the run, showing just how dangerous he is, and just how insane he is, but also that he has a good heart as he wants to run away with his young daughter to Mexico. I suppose some people will like it.

I hated it. It was boring, it was predictable, and it was patronisingly simplistic. I don’t begrudge anyone any enjoyment they may get from it, but I don’t see why they would. It looks set to be villain-of-the-week, and truth be told this could be a much more interesting show with genuine characters instead of placeholders, and a longer campaign of tracking a fugitive, instead of a one-a-week approach the pilot provides. Oh, and there is a far superior show about US Marshalls which started a few months ago, Justified, which means there is almost no need to care about this.

The Defenders – CBS

In all honesty, I pre-judged this show. I thought it looked like a boring law procedural about two middle-aged white lawyers in Los Angeles. Very little about that sentence summoned up any interest. And yet, this was one of the most interesting pilots of all those I have seen so far.

Pete Kaczmarek and Nick Morelli are two Las Vegas defense attorneys, but the twist the pilot takes is not over what happened, we are told fairly early on exactly who did what and why, but focuses much more on how our lawyers approach the trial and who they organise their defence. As opposed to The Whole Truth, were new evidence drives the plot, here the actual characters drive the plot. This is so much better than the way it is normally handled – when our protagonists simply follow the plot. It is actually their approach to the situation which creates the drama. As a plus, Nick & Pete are both well developed, and I would definitely be interested to see more of them as the story progresses.

However, I have still not given up my misgivings. I hope it doesn’t become too formulaic, with a case-of-the week formula that becomes too repetitive. As a legal drama, it is definitely the best of the new season, and as so it’s very much worth a look.

Mega Review - Finished!

My New Poster

2011-01-17T11:38:00.000-08:00

I just received this:

Now my room is even more awesome.

Maslow's Hierarchy Of Hats

2011-01-10T11:29:00.000-08:00

Raptors, they are cunning...

2011-01-04T11:21:00.000-08:00

You need to be aware, at all times.

Raptors can operate lever style door handles. This means that, if that is what you have, then your location is not secure.

Constant vigilance is required.

However, do not assume that just because you have a different type of handle, you are secure. Raptors are adaptable, and you must always be alert.

Now you know. And knowing is half the battle!

Happy New Year!

2011-01-01T16:57:00.000-08:00

Since the post title has said it all, here is an unrelated picture of Captain Hammer.

Christmas!

2010-12-24T17:15:00.000-08:00

Celebrate this happy time of year with the three best christmas films of all time. If you haven't seen them, then it is impossable for you to truly have a great holiday.

3. Die Hard

2. Gremlins

1. Edward Scissorhands.

A shout out needs to go to A Nightmare Before Chirstmas, which is an amazing film, but I usually cannot contain myself, and so end up watching it in the middle of November.

Tree!

2010-12-23T19:20:00.000-08:00

Raptors, our most dangerous enemy.

2010-12-20T11:07:00.000-08:00

Exeter City FC

2010-12-11T17:48:00.000-08:00

Y'know, I feel kinda bad that I live literally a stone's throw away from St. James Park, and haven't been to watch Exeter play a match yet this year. In my defence, they do keep insisting on playing games on a saturday, when I am already busy playing football. Hopefully there will be a couple of mid-week home games in 2011.

Anyway, all that aside, I do get a pretty good view from my bedroom window.

New TV 2010 – The Mega Review Part 4

2010-12-08T19:53:00.000-08:00

Outlaw – NBC

This is the most painfully dull show imaginable. Jimmy Smits is an American Supreme Court Judge, who is fed up with the flaws in the legal system, so quits his job, hires a team of mavericks and becomes a defence attorney. He runs about, shouting words like “indictment” and “declarant” as his team follow him around, taking it in turns to point out his plan is madness, but also that he is a genius. Both of the women seem to be deeply in love with him. It is almost like watching House, except you might actually like that show. The whole thing is so very dumb, and yet also so very boring, that when I was half way through writing this, it got cancelled.

I can’t wait to forget this even existed, and hope in vain for 42 minutes of my life back.

The Whole Truth – ABC

If you find yourself searching for a properly dramatic legal procedural, this is for you. It is interesting and well written, but its real hook is that you see the legal case from both the prosecution and the defence. What this means is that once the set up is established, we see the prosecution prepare every reason why the killer did it, and then the defence take a turn to prepare why he is an innocent man. Then we go to trial, and we see each side present their case. Just like a real courtroom. And because of this, the audience cannot be sure whether the defendant did it or do. When watching, you have to take a side, and end up with a real interest in the decision at the end, one which didn’t rely on bringing out some last minute surprise evidence.

This is interesting. It is fun. It doesn’t seem to take itself too seriously, but I didn’t see any horrible malpractice going on, especially when watched after Outlaw. But most of all, it was really interesting to see two talented lawyers actually doing their job, at such a quick pace, and working as hard as possible to win an argument without knowing from the start that they are right. But it doesn’t exactly leave room for subtlety. But the story is, so very much, the hook that the characters end up as non-people. I can hardly even remember their faces, let alone their names or their personality. And given that I have only seen snippets of Law and Order, (the obvious comparison), I am not in that great a position to say if it compares well or not.

The big problem though is just how procedural it is. There is a rigid formula for each episode I can’t see them breaking. What you see in week one is likely to be what you see in week twelve. Still, definitely worth a look, if it sounds like you’re thing.

Running Wilde – FOX

There is a fine line between a masterpiece and a master-crap. Arrested Development is one of the greatest TV shows of all time. It is hilarious, incredibly influential, and far too few people have seen it. That is a show about a dysfunctional rich family, with characters who are lovably self-centred. It could so easily have gone horribly wrong.

Running Wilde is made by some of the same people, and is an example of how wrong it could have gone.

It stars Will Arnett as a clueless billionaire, who convinces his high-school sweetheart, who is an activist, and her daughter, to move in with him. They will then surely learn life lessons, while suffering through dysfunctionaly wacky situations that in the end strengthen them as a family. But there is no humour. Literally, there is a distinct absence of jokes. It is also so very, very soulless. They are hateful characters. They are annoying, and they are just not funny. He is an entitled rich berk who is completely unrelatable, and she is an annoyingly shrill lover of nature. There is a kid, who is nothing, and so is not worth considering.

This is only worth your time is you believe the pedigree of the writers can save the show. And I would understand if you hold out hope that they might. But this pilot was a horrible mess, and if the Dollhouse fiasco taught me anything, it is that sometimes a bad idea is just a bad idea, and no amount of talent can salvage that.

Just watch Arrested Development again.

Raising Hope – FOX

At first, I thought I was not going to like this sitcom. There were not enough jokes, and I was put off by the darker tone of it. And uneducated, white-collar 20-something, with the help of his family, has to take care of a baby he was unprepared for. But then I realised, it is not a sitcom, it is a black humoured drama. And suddenly everything changed. Things which had felt like padding, now felt like characterisation. The tone started to warm, and I realised I was invested in finding out what happens next.

The plot is that about Jimmy, who lives with his poor parents, working as a gardener for the rich families nearby. He has a one night stand with a girl who hitches a lift in his van. She turns out to be a serial killer, and she also turns out to be pregnant with his baby. Nine months later, the mother is in the electric chair, and Jimmy is stuck with a baby he did not expect. That exposition out of the way, he tries to live his life, while learning how to be a dad to his new daughter. He has help from his eccentric family.

The show has some genuine hilarious moments, and I would like to see where it goes. I would want to watch next week, to give this more time to make an impression, because this is the best half-hours comedy of the season. It helps that Shannon Woodward has a role as the potential love-interest, and she was amazing in The Riches. It is worth a look, even though I am sill unconvinced of how good it will become.

Snowmageddon!

2010-12-02T09:59:00.000-08:00

The snow has hit Exeter! Click to embiggen.

New TV 2010 - The Mega Review Part 3

2010-11-29T16:57:00.000-08:00

Boardwalk Empire

I was thinking about it a couple of months ago, and realised there was a distinct lack of modern show based on prohibition-era gangsters. “Man” I thought, “That would be a cool show to watch. A show with tommy guns, and flappers, and spats. Oh, and imagine if it had Steve Buscemi!” Well, it turns out that HBO pre-emptively read my mind. Set in 1920 Atlantic City, this is everything you could want from an HBO drama. By which I mean it has characters whose motives are complex and who got some of that ‘inner turmoil’ stuff. It is easy to call it The 1920 Sopranos, but with a half-dozen plots set up and several key characters, this first episode is much more an introduction to a bigger story than a standalone piece. It is fairly slow, as you could expect the beginning of a complex saga to be. HBO shows usually are slower, but since they usually build to something later on, it makes is harder to judge this early.

It helps that Buscemi looks to be an amazing main lead. He plays the treasurer of Atlantic City, and since he is not a straight up gangster, there’s the whole larger question of how good or evil he is, compared to if he was a straight out crimelord. One other thing about this show, which I loved, but might get annoying if overdone, is how faithful it is to the period. Though it could easily go too far, and descend into, ‘look at me! I’m in the 1920s! I can talk about votes for women!’

This is a great show, precisely the sort of thing HBO specialises in. If this is the sort of thing you think you might like, chances are you will love this. But it is not as mainstream as say...

Hawaii Five-O

Later that day I was thinking, “I would love to see an old-school, buddy cop show.”
This is a remake of a show from the 70s, set in Hawaii. It follows an elite police task force, mainly centred around the leading cops, Steve McGarrett and Danny Williams, as they share some witty banter and investigate crimes. Steve is following the trail of his father’s murder, and it looks like that will take the back seat as each episode follows the pair as they try to solve crimes.

It doesn’t feel like anything original, it doesn’t feel like must-watch-television. The pair have some quick witted dialogue between them, and the crimes are interesting. There are some fun shoot-outs, and it is all very well filmed. It is what it is, and it didn’t make any attempt to push itself further than what it was. If you want to watch a buddy cop procedural, then this is for you. It is exactly what you want. You don’t have to tune in every week, or pay attention to every little thing that happens, but it is a good show worth your time.

Outsourced

Then I thought to myself, “what if we had a sitcom based solely upon cultural differences. One where a young middle-management dude has to move to India, when his office is outsourced there?” No, hang on, wait, I never thought that because it sounds like a horrible idea.

Seven minutes in there is a joke about how curry makes you poop. Before this, there was a joke about how an Indian man has the name manmeat, and that cows are sacred. Yes, I know, it is funny that foreign countries are... kinda like foreign countries. They do things differently there.

They’ve thrown in a cute Australian girl as the potential love interest, and lots of references to how cultural differences lead to wacky miscommunications. I have no idea why you would want to watch this show, there are already brilliant comedies set in offices. It’s in no way worthy of your time.

A Realisation

2010-11-22T18:00:00.000-08:00

I need to get myself a haircut.

However, I have never had my haircut in Exeter before. I have always had it cut in the gents barbers at the end of my road. Not becuase they are especially talented, (they're professional,) but because they are nearest and I have no reason to go anywhere else. It has never been something I have ever needed to think about. And now, I have to find somewhere in Exeter.

So that is the thing I have been thinking about today. That and dinner.

Man, my life is dull on a thursday.

Dara O'Briain

2010-11-16T17:36:00.000-08:00

I have always been a fan of Dara O'Briain. He's the guy who hosts Mock The Week, and whenever he shows up ahywhere he is consistently funny. But it was with this video that he entered Godlike status.

The Bane of My Essays

2010-11-15T13:15:00.000-08:00

The same can be said of using [sic]. It's really a problem I tells ya!

The Headache of Summer 2011

2010-11-12T18:04:00.000-08:00

It is not as if 2010 is even over yet, but I'm always looking at the next thing. Being excited months in advance is half the fun. So forgive me for talking about things that are still numerous months away.

Also, it is not as is 2010 has been a slow year. There have been several amazing movies. Kick-Ass and Inception were both incredible films, let that not be forgotten. But 2011 is set to have a massive summer in terms of big budget hollywood movies.

Both Marvel and DC are pushing it to be a major summmer for superheroes. So we get Captain America, and Thor, and X-Men: First Class, and Green Lantern. Now, one of the those will probably be a faliure, but here's hoping that one of them will also be incredible.

We also get some big franchises throwing their weight around. The final Harry Potter movie will got up against the thrid Transformers film, and fourth Pirates of the Caribbean.

And those are just the heavy hitters I can think off the top of my head. I am really hoping one of them will turn out to be immense.

Cowboys vs Aliens, anyone?

Mega TV Review... Excuses

2010-11-09T11:06:00.000-08:00

I know it has been over a month since I wrote up a new mega TV review section, and truthfully the reason is very simple.

When I decided it would be a good idea, it was because there was nothing good on TV. By starting to watch these shows, I very quickly found that there were some very good things starting on TV. Keeping up with those shows has killed my momentum...

Oh, the cruel irony.

Skyline

2010-10-30T14:47:00.000-07:00

I remember hearing about this movie what seems like half-a-year ago, and putting it to the back of my mind. It looked good when the first trailer was shown before Scott Pilgrim, and then when I realised it was only a fortnight away, I started to get hopeful. And hope leads to excitement!

Reminds me of Independance Day, which is a good thing, and it stars Milo from 24, and Angel Batista from Dexter, which by itself is a good thing, but when you also have Turk from Scrubs running away from aliens, how can this not be epic!?

Pumpkinception

2010-10-28T19:45:00.000-07:00

Click the pictures to embiggen.

Defending my FIFA score.

2010-10-27T22:02:00.000-07:00

Well, it turns out that awarding FIFA 11 a review score of "only" 8.5/10 has caused some controversy.

People ask me how I can call a game "the best football game ever made" and yet only give it an 8.5. To them, my answer is long and rambling. Which makes this the best place for it. But still, I will try to keep it brief. I could go on for days.

You see, review scores are tricky things. People always misunderstand what it is that they mean. Sorry to state the obvious, but they are a quick way of comparing games. People assume that if one game gets 7 and another 8, then the second is automatically better, right? But for a reviewer, who has carefully chosen his words, to tell you the good and the bad with each game, throwing an arbitrary number at the end requires little thought. You are meant to use those words to decide if this game appeals to you. And then, if still in doubt, consult the score, only if unsure.

This is because, in my eyes at least, a review score has always been a mark of, should you buy this. A 10/10 will be loved by everybody and all should purchase immediately, while a 9/10 will be loved by all genre fans. An 8/10 will be loved by some, despite the flaws, and so on and so on until a 1/10, which is all but unplayably broken.

FIFA 11 is a great game, better than last year, with gameplay that flows more naturally then last year. And yet, "it is whether it is £40 better than last year which is the difficult choice. Standing on single-player, where it's effectively the same as last year, it doesn’t quite hold up to the pricetag." I recommend that, for those who are not hardcore FIFA fans, this game may be not worth buying. The gameplay is "from what I hear, far tougher for those not in the hardcore." And for those who enjoy FIFA, but bought the game last year, you may be let down by your £40 investment. Considering the only five month old version is available for only £15, and that is brand new! A quick look on Ebay shows that it can be bought for around £4! This is a game that was brand new five months ago and is very similar in terms of gameplay. It is this, that in my eyes, means that FIFA 10 cannot be given that 9/10 score. And yet, despite that flaw of being too similar to what has come before, it will probably be loved by the vast majority of those who buy it. And rightly so, for it is a great game.

Therefore, 8.5/10

I wanna be the very best...

2010-10-11T15:16:00.000-07:00

I love it whenever it when I have my ipod on shuffle, and that tune starts up.

FIFA 11

2010-10-08T18:19:00.000-07:00

So, I now own FIFA 11, and I reviewed it for the news edition of Expose, the Offical Exeter Uni Student Paper.

There are days I look forward to every year. Christmas, Easter, talk like a pirate day, and of course, FIFA day. That annual event when the new version of FIFA is released to the world. The hope is that it will be better than last year. This year does not disappoint.

The game looks nicer. Animations are fresh, stadiums look prettier, and player likenesses are, well, more like real life. But in all honesty, it’s not the visuals that bring me to FIFA. It is the gameplay. To put it simply, crosses are now vitally important, and players can now successfully run with the ball. Dribbling has been completely revamped, and the balance between strength and pace makes for some really interesting battles. It takes a while to get used to the changes, but from what I hear, this is far tougher for those not in the hardcore.

Passing has also been revamped, in a positive way that feels more reliant on skill. This also takes some getting used to, but as long as you always playing the way you’re facing, you can still ping about passes like Barcelona. At the same time, referees have become especially cruel. This frequently slows down matches, but it does have the positive outcome of stopping cynical opponents fouling at every opportunity and escaping punishment, one personal gripe from last year.

Aside from those tweaks it is mostly same as before. There is a career mode, and playing as a single player, and playing with friends, but these all feel very similar to before.

Oh, and one other thing. FIFA 11 needs to be registered online before you can play online, and this locks your game to just one console, and it will cost you £6 to unlock it for another console. This will probably never matter to most people, but it does mean that buying pre-owned will cost you extra to play online. I feel slightly sorry for the innocents who’ll be caught by this, so be on guard.

To put it simply, you already know if you wanted to buy FIFA 11. This is a good game, better than last year, and that is saying something. It is the best football game ever made. But whether it is £40 better than last year, which is the difficult choice. Standing on single-player, which is effectively the same as last year, it doesn’t quite hold up to the pricetag. But to play online or with friends, it definitely is.

8.5/10

Excuses

2010-10-02T15:03:00.000-07:00

These next few weeks are going to be busy. So I am just saying, the next update for my great tv watching of 2010 may be slightly late. Soz people.

But just for you, here is a brief update: Terriers is amazing, Nikita is enjoyable, and No Ordinary Family is getting worse every week, and I am losing all hope for it.

New reviews soon as I can.

New TV 2010 - The Mega Review Part 2

2010-09-30T18:37:00.000-07:00

The Event - NBC

Television networks love starting high concept sci-fi shows, with their over-arching mysteries and season long plots. This time last year, FlashForward was being touted as having a four year plan, and complex shady characters. It was dead by February. Starting these shows is fun... just give them a fancy pilot and a neat concept. But then it hit FlashForward... characters sat about being unpleasant and repetitively inactive. Real people stop watching. The show died, and nobody shed a tear. And now, a year later, we have a new high concept sci-fi mystery show. And The Event sure does have a fancy pilot.

The Event makes a fancy debut. The idea is that an ordinary (read: bland) young man is going on holiday with his ordinary (read: hot) girlfriend, and then a short while later, he is on a plane, with a gun. We don’t see what happened between these two scenes, and are meant to wonder – what did happen between these events? What is going on? Who even is he?

The Event looks like it would be a decent sci-fi story if told by an omnipotent, reliable narrator in chronological order. I know those were a lot of big words, so I will put it simple: this is a show which is told out of order, and by deliberately missing things out in order to create tension. Not knowing what is going on seems key to all the tension. Did you like it on Lost when Locke would say “come with me” and no-one would bother to ask “why?” or “where?” Well, this is that, but constantly. No-one tells anyone what is going on, and we are not told what is going on. And y’know what – I loved it. This was a good debut.

As a show, I will want to watch it next week, to see what is going on. It was the first pilot show of the year which left me with questions for next week. But my advice is to wait. Don’t bother watching the show until next summer. See what people make of it – see if it gets good. It should. And if it does, enjoy. But there is a decent chance it will fail, and it is not worth expending your precious time on a sinking ship.

Added to that, truth be told, this show is coming a tad too soon after Lost. That finale hurt me. That finale did not just ruin Lost, it killed any desire I may have to get invested in a sci-fi mystery show, only to finally have them pull out the most obvious answer, even after swearing for years that was not the answer, and undermining it for six years so that it makes no goddamn sense in the mythology of the show. The Event wants to be the lovechild of Lost and 24, fine, but that comes with baggage.

So here I say it – The Event is Aliens. It is all Aliens.

Mike & Molly – CBS

This is the most boringly average sitcom anyone has ever decided to make. Mike is an obese policeman. I don’t normally define people by their weight, but here it is everything about him. Every word, every action, every single thing, is based upon him being fat. And there is a girl, Molly, who is fat. She likes cake and has difficulty on the stairmaster. They meet at a weightwatchers meeting, and looks set to begin the most average romcom ever. But with the twist that they are fat.

There were a couple of jokes, and Mike & Molly seem like they could be interesting, maybe even funny, people, if only they would stop spending all of their time obsessing over how they are fat. I can see that! It is pretty obvious! You don’t need to keep reminding me, in case I forget!

If you feel like watching this show you need to reconsider your life.

$#*! My Dad Says - CBS

This is another CBS three camera sitcom, filmed in front of a live studio audience, but this has William Shatner as the father to his now adult children, who he is trying to reconnect to. There are funny sitcoms, filmed as though they were made twenty years ago, and they mostly were made twenty years ago. This is not a funny show. Every joke feels like it was flat packed from Ikea, and after dragging out the construction of each one as only The Shat can do, the actors stare into each other’s souls, whist waiting for the audience to stop having a fit laughing at their average zingers and put-downs. It is a painfully average show which will be dead by Christmas. But then that is what people have been hoping would happen to Two And A Half Men, and that is a CBS sitcom which is somehow still breathing.

If you really feel the need for an average sitcom about failing at being a dad and old age, then I can’t advise against this. It was slightly funnier that Mike & Molly, to its credit, but it was so heartless, so soulless, that it really doesn’t deserve your valuable time.

Lone Star - FOX

This is the best hour of television that the last few weeks have given me. It was amazing.

The concept is harder to explain, so please forgive me when I mess it up. Robert Allen is a career con man, who has been working with his dad on a long con, trying to get into the family that runs a big oil company. He has been doing this by marrying the daughter. At the same time, he has fallen in love with girl, living in a town which he conned into buying bad stock. He is trying to keep himself working between both of these lives, “trying to live in his own house of cards” and all the while, trying to figure out who he is and who he wants to be. Now, trust me when I say that this is the second time I am writing this, as my first attempt was three times as long and four times as confusing. Both of these lives, his cons and his dad and himself, they are all filled with real, rich characters, and with the potential for drama and excitement.

It is shot beautifully. There are a huge number of subtle things and subtle scene that tell you who each character is, and why they matter. I have never before seen such incredible use of time to give such a stong feeling for who these people are, and yet I never felt over whelmed.

If I keep going it will sound like gushing, so I had better the problems out of the way now. Becuase there are so many characters introduced, the two women in Robert’s never get a chance to do much. But the bigger problem is that many people will be turned off by what Bob does. He is a con-man, who lies and steals from people, and lies and cheats on the women he loves. That alone will turn some people off. But the biggest problem for me is that this show reeks of being in trouble right from the start. It has been given a terrible timeslot, and has been given almost no advertising. (This is par for the course for a truly good show on Fox.) Partially, I guess that is because it took me almost two-hundred words to sum it up in basic terms, and I left out a whole bunch. And it doesn’t exactly have a name that sells itself, like The Event.

But even if this show doesn’t make it to next year, I cannot wait for next week. This was the best hour of drama so far, and you really don’t want to miss it.

No Ordinary Family - ABC

This is another of the big budget new shows to air, one of the ones with a high concept premise, and recognisable faces in the lead roles. Michael Chiklis, from The Shield, and Julie Benz, who was Rita on Dexter, are the parents in an ordinary American suburban family. They have two teenage kids, (who are both paint-by-numbers nothings in this first episode), and decide to take a family holiday. There is an incident. They get superpowers.

The Dad, and I am going to have to call them by their roles as I can’t remember any of them being called by their names in the entire pilot, becomes Superman as he was in the 1930s. Y’know, he can leap over a building but can’t fly, and can catch a bullet but isn’t bullet-proof. He is also depressed about being a stay-at-home dad with a part time job helping the police. His wife, who is a very successful career scientist, with a speciality that is never made clear, can run really fast. Because it is a metaphor for how she lives her life running through everything, as she repeatedly reminds us. While brooding. The two kids don’t get to do much, and their abilities don’t start to come through until the end, so I will leave that surprise for you. The only problem I had was that they are all so... depressing. I get that these people need to be flawed is they are to have character arcs, and y’know, grow as people. Perfect people are boring, we can all relate to that. But don’t be so depressed all the time. Stop complaining about your lives all the time. It gets very boring, very quick. Thanks in advance.

There is a hint of a conspiracy, which I predict to be painfully dull, and the possibility for monster-of-the-week averageness to be combined with family melodrama. So that is the usual. This family is like watching The Incredibles, but with none of their charm. (The show throws a couple of The Incredibles references up for you, if you keep your eyes open.) Most of all, it looks like a decent show. It doesn’t have the darkness, or the heart of the first season of heroes, but like it could be its own thing. It could be a show about family, who can do superhero things, and it gives the impression of being something I want to watch, not just of being something I feel like I should want to watch.

P.S – I had barely finished writing this when news broke that Lone Star has been cancelled! After two (critically acclaimed by the way) episodes! Seriously, people, what gives? All of you should still watch it, says I, because it really was that good. Looks like I will be crying myself to sleep tonight. Good bye, Lone Star.

Another Gift

2010-09-28T13:12:00.000-07:00

Here is a picture of an Ewok. With Audrey Hepburn.

Now you are another step closer to having seen anything.

Soz for the delay

2010-09-27T18:14:00.000-07:00

Well, I have now moved back to Exeter. Moving to a new house has had a big impact. Getting used to a new place takes a while. For example, it takes time to get used to how the shower takes the longest second to react to being turned on or off. But most of all, it is not really until you get internet that things start to feel like home.

Soon we will have internet. Soon it will be a new home.

And then I can continue my quest to watch more television. So bear with me...

New TV 2010 - The Mega Review Part 1

2010-09-17T15:08:00.000-07:00

I love this time of year, as it is the beginning of a new year of American Television. In the USA, tons of big new shows premiere within less than one month in “fall.” These premiers are littered with average crime procedurals and terrible sitcoms that will get cancelled by February. I will watch those to mock them. But the real excitement comes from watching to find the surprise hit show – that show that you take in close to your heart. A new Pushing Daisies, or Middleman. And, spaced out in the crush are the heavy hitters; the big new shows made by big names and with big stars. This is the most exciting fortnight in American Television, and the excitement runs like Christmas morning – where you can see a whole bunch o’ presents, but are not yet sure what they are.

So this season I decided to set myself a challenge. To watch, and review, the debut episodes of every new scripted show, as listed on the tvguide.com fall preview guide. All twenty-three of them.

That includes shows you should be excited for, like The Event or Broadwalk Empire, and the ones that will surely be deader than a dead parrot. If I laugh even once at Outsourced, it will be a shock.

And so it begins:

Terriers - FX

This is the sort of show which should be incredibly formulaic. A pair of middle-aged unlicenced private detectives, get hired every week to go and... privately... detect something. One is younger than the other, and the older is more jaded, having an ex-wife and an ex-drinking problem. But the show feels much more endearing than that. It works hard to not play simply into a formula, clearly channelling Veronica Mars. It has the same fast, quippy dialogue, the same fake identities and a cute dog. Oh, and it’s hinting at a longer running mystery. So that is all good.

The tone of the show is great, with moments of hilarity and seriousness, and it has a certain darkness that makes it clear these characters are not living a dream. Oh course, a show can’t be judged on just one meeting, and that is one of the big problems I just know I am going to keep running up against in this “challenge”, but you can get a sense of whether a show is worth a second date, and this is definitely a show worth watching – especially if you are a Mars fan.

Nikita – The CW

Based on La Femme Nikita, “but remade for the 21st century” as so many new shows are, this show is a spy thriller, based upon the titular Nikita, a female ex-assassin who has gone rouge from “The Division”, with a dual plot based upon Alex, a new recruit at Division. This means we can see our agency of assassins from the outside (Nikita), and the inside (Alex), and I presume the show is going to become a complex mess of agents, double-agents and triple-agents which I'd look forward to being delighted by. Hopefully, this will be just as much fun as it was in Alias, and the spy missions will feel fresh and exciting, as it looks like they will be what the show rests on. The side characters have some nice sparky lines, with The Tech Geek and The Gruff Boss looking like fun, and here’s hoping that the show becomes something worth seeking out. Especially as Nikita herself, played by Maggie Q, looks like she’ll be great to watch.

But then again, remakes of old shows often fail to do the original justice, relying too much on the old name, and female led shows tyically have to work hard to match the viewing figures of shows led by guys. And this is not a show without flaws. The pilot episode felt rushed, trying to cram in all the characters without letting us get a feel for any of them, leaving them all clichéd and uninteresting. I cannot in all honesty tell you a single personality trait of any of them – and that is not a good sign. And it is going to have to try pretty hard to be even nearly as good as, or as fun as, Alias. And my spy needs are already more than met by Chuck, which doubles as being hilarious, so an out-and-out spy show will have to work extra hard to earn my loyalty.

I would not be in the least surprised if this burns itself out quickly, relying heavily on ridiculous missions and Nikita fanservice, and is gone by this time next year. Anyone even remember the Bionic Woman remake? But then again, this could be the beginnings of a fun show, once it settles into stride. I will feel I’ll give it a month or so to see how it settles, for I'm still hopeful.

Hellcats – The CW

There's this thing, the Bechdel Test, which is used as a sort of litmus test for female presence is movie and television. In order to pass, the film or show must include at least two women, and they must have at least one conversation about something other than men, or a man. When formed in 1985, this wasn’t some die-hard demand of femininist ultras, but just to draw attention to how many shows completely fail this test.

Hellcats passes with flying colours. The premise of this comedy-drama is that a snarky narcissistic female law student loses her scholarship, and the only way she can stay at University is by gaining a cheerleading scholarship. She passes try-outs, meets a new friend and new rival, and starts competitive cheerleading. Yes, it is laughably formulaic, but that may not be such a horrible thing.

So, as you have probably gathered, this is a show about cheerleading. To its credit, it decides to treat it as a serious sport, (which the most dangerous teen sport probably deserves,) and looks like training and winning competitions is going to be more of a focus than the teen-drama stuff. And it seems well made, with some actually funny jokes and some nice Whedon-esque dialogue. The characters all seem distinguishable, and interesting, which is better than *shudder* Glee managed.

I have no problem with this if it does become popular, and it probably deserves it. But it is a teen drama about cheerleading. So, yeh... If I was a fifteen year old girl, I would probably watch it. But I’m not, so...

Haven - SyFy

The American SyFy channel are making a real move to step up in the world, and make their own original programming – which is a move I truly hope works for them. Any network who are focused on producing quality genre shows get my support all the way. They are not new to the business, being the guys who produced the best years of Stargate, produced Battlestar Galactica, and who’ve since created Stargate Universe, Caprica, and Warehouse 13.

Their new show this summer is Haven, a supernatural series based on a Steven King novel. A female FBI agent with a mysterious past gets sent to investigate a routine case in the sleepy town of Haven, who starts to uncover townsfolk with supernatural abilities. The first episode is a fairly paint by numbers affair, with the town and the characters slowly introduced. The quick wit of the dialogue slips by, flowing mostly unnoticed, hinting that it might become something later on. The characters all make an appearance, but only give vague clues as to who they might become, and the plot of the show is still unclear to me. Is this a “buddy cops investigate the supernatural” show? Is it a “Person investigates their own parents and past” show? Is it a “supernatural conspiracy” show?

You see, I come back to that difficulty of reviewing any pilot episode, of how little time these shows are given to make an impression. Haven feels like it is dragging its heels slightly. After the pilot I should know who people are and what they are doing. The fact that I just don’t makes this a hard show to recommend.

Despite the pilot giving little sense of what this show is, I can say it’s very nicely made, and I was never bored. But it didn’t fill me with a need to watch the next episode either. It was convincing enough to let me give it a second chance next week, but not enough for me to give it a shout out. It may become something, I have a feeeling it might, and here’s hoping it will... but then again, it may not.

Inceptionauts

2010-09-12T16:19:00.000-07:00

Combining things good things is good. Evidence:

Too Many Words on a Simple Bet

2010-09-08T18:51:00.000-07:00

My brother and I have put on a bet, between ourselves. He is sure that Gerrard and Joe Cole are going to work for Uncle Woy’s Liverpool, and I believe this is the year that Valencia and Nani come into their own for United down the wings. The bet is who will score more league goals this year? Gerrard & Joe Cole, or Nani & Valencia.

The more I think about it, the more confident I get.

Nani and Valencia are 23 and 25 respectively, they are both young players who are constantly improving. More so, United, with slight problems in the centre of midfield, will be looking more to these wingers to turn in quality performances. Nani, who has been developing into a proper talent, and Valencia, who is the poster-boy for consistency, stand a good chance of really hitting form this year. United will look to them to get forward, to get on the end of attacking moves, and score more goals than last year. Besides, even if they don’t quite hit top form, any player who is part of the United attack is going to score goals.

But more combined goals than Gerrard and Joe Cole?

Joe Cole has always suffered from injuries, often missing months of the season and then returning out of form. He has played most of his career out wide, and will now be asked to perform in the middle, and despite his capacity for moments of greatness, he is not what can be called a consistent player. Or even a goalscorer. In 08-09, he scored 2 league goals, in 14 games. In 09-10, he scored 2 league goals, and that was over 26 games. He scored 1 in 19 cup games, which is a poor show, and even though cup games don’t matter for the bet, it just shows how few goals he has been scoring in recent years. He hasn’t scored internationally since 2008, and that was against Andorra. Joe Cole is not a frequent goal scorer, and his injury record will keep him from being a first teamer for large parts of the season.

But the real force for Liverpool will be their captain, and Gerrard has a habit of scoring goals for his club. However, his tally has not been falling as some people suggest. In fact, Gerrard’s eye for goal has been vastly overrated by many due to one fantastic season. In 08-09, Liverpool pushed for the League Title, and Gerrard scored 16 goals. This was a great haul, but it was an aberration. It was the first time in his career he had scored more than 11 league goals. Last year he scored 9. This seems far more likely to be the situation again.

I say this because of the other factor that we must remember: these two are Liverpool players, and Liverpool are no longer the force they were. Instead of being a team pushing for a potential league title, they are struggling to hit a UEFA cup place. While United took Chelsea to the final day of season, ‘Pool finished 7th. I say this not to gloat, but to point out the obvious; winning teams score more goals. Last year United scored 86 goals, Liverpool scored 61. I don’t have any numbers to back this up, but it is not too much of a leap to suggest that teams that score more, do so because they create more chances. United will be creating more opportunities than ‘Pool, and it is Valencia & Nani who will show the results of this in the goals they score.

Now, what this all means, is that we can expect Joe Cole to score a few goals, likely 1-3 this season, and Gerrard to score around the 10 mark, so maybe 9-12. So between them, (if they don’t personally underperform, which I think they will), we can expect maybe a 12 goal tally.

Last year Nani scored 4 league goals, and Valencia scored 5, a haul I’ll be needing them to build on this year. However, Nani scored an extra 9 goals in cup competitions, and Valencia 3. If they improve, as I think they will, and score some of those cup goals in the league instead, we can expect them to hit double figures as a pairing, and hopefully to hit nearer the 20 goal mark.

The money will so be mine.

My gift to you.

2010-08-31T21:43:00.000-07:00

Here is a picture of an Ewok. In a Delorean.

Now you are that one step closer to having seen eveything.

So. Yeh.

2010-08-31T17:33:00.001-07:00

Have you ever noticed.... wait...

... I had something for this.

Oh, well. I was going to write something here, but everytime I started to write, it turned out to be crap, and my own incredibly low standards just would not let me post.

This is coming from the guy who once wrote about some random dream he had, where nothing even really happened, and has now just tricked you into reading a post where he announces he has nothing to say.

SNAP!

TRICERATOPS!

2010-08-27T17:36:00.000-07:00

It seems that while I was away, an big story broke.

Triceratops, for all two of you who have forgotten, is the coolest of dinosaurs. It is the one which has three horns... one on the nose, like a Rhino, and two over the eyes, looking like someone who's put hairgel on their incredibly long eyebrows and is now using them as a weapon.

They were the coolest.

But scientists have come to a shocking realisation. The new theory is that Triceratops were not actually Triceratops at all, but actually juvenile Torosaurs. This explains why no adult fossilised Triceratops has ever been found.

Now, we already now that cases of mistaken prehistoric identity are common, but I never thought it would hit the coolest of them all. The Han Solo of the Dinosaurs.

And so the curse of Jurrasic Park strikes again. Is science determined to prove everything from that movie wrong?

I'm Back

2010-08-19T16:00:00.000-07:00

Don't worry people. I have returned. And only mildly sunburnt.

Chernobyl

2010-08-07T18:58:00.000-07:00

Crap... I didn't realise it was that massive before...

A Song Of Fire And Ice

2010-08-03T15:51:00.000-07:00

I just started reading A Game Of Thrones, and it is very, very epic. If it keeps up like this, it will be getting the first Best Book You're Not Reading.

This book is the first in the Song of Fire and Ice series, which is written by George R R Martin, and is set in a fictional medieval land, which acts very much like War of The Roses England. The book is about the key families in the royal court, and the power struggle that is emerging. That may not sound as good as it is, and I assure you, I am just selling it short, because it is truly amazing. Anyhoo, more of this to come once I have finished.

Anyway, the reason I bring this up is that the book is amazing, and there is a TV adaptation coming next year, which you should really keep an eye out for.

Game of Thrones. Remember that name.

Off on Holiday!

2010-07-31T20:19:00.000-07:00

It is that time of year again. The time when I go sit poolside in some Mediterranean paradise, read some books and consider, y'know, life and stuff.

Be right back. ;)

A simple question.

2010-07-30T13:37:00.000-07:00

Prospective Blackburn owner Ahsan Ali Syed responds when asked on BBC Radio 5Live if he'd ever been to the town.

"Physically? No."

Presumably he's been there emotionally and spiritually though.

Sucker Punch

2010-07-29T20:03:00.000-07:00

Man, I hope this film is as fun as it looks. It's from Zack Snyder, who can usually be trusted to make something awesome.

I Cannot Wait

2010-07-18T22:33:00.000-07:00

Only nine more days to wait!

Never Surrender

2010-07-15T17:15:00.000-07:00

I found this while browsing the internet and felt like it could be the inspiration for an amazing blog post. However, I am lazy, and since my work rate is slower than the Large Hadron Collider (I mean, seriously, it is built to fire protons around a twenty seven kilometre tunnel at only three metres per second slower than the speed of light, and they expect it will be several years before the first results? What?) ... as I was saying, slower than the LHC guys, I decided to just show you this interesting anecdote.

"According to the DVD for Monty Pyton and The Holy Grail, the black knight sequence originated in a story told to John Cleese when he was attending an class during his school days. Two Roman wrestlers were engaged in a particularly intense match and had been fighting for such a substantial length of time that the match had degraded to the two combatants doing little more than leaning into one another with their body weight. When one wrestler finally tapped-out and pulled away from his opponent, it was only then that he and the crowd realized the other man was, in fact, dead and had effectively won the match posthumously. The moral of the tale, according to Cleese's teacher, was that, "If you never give up, you can't possibly lose" - a statement that, Cleese reflected, always struck him as being "philosophically unsound".

Canis Canem Edit

2010-07-10T15:05:00.000-07:00

So, about a month ago, I wrote a retro article for the Exeter University student newspaper. For those of you how missed it, here it is:

There is no disguising it. Bully is a game truly made to be GTA in a school. Developed by the same people, there are similart themes and mission types. When most people think of Rockstar, they think GTA, and rightly so. But with Rockstar’s new Red Dead Redemption only a few weeks away, I decided now was the time to give these lesser known adventures of Jimmy Hopkin’s another run.

You may know Bully as Canis Canem Edit, the name it was given for UK release, but if you don’t mind I am going to call it Bully here, just ‘cos it is simpler to write. Now, your time spent in Jimmy Hopkin’s shoes is often spent running missions for other students, as you try to find your place in your new school. Bullworth Academy is my favourite place any game has ever taken me to. I know the corridors like a real place, and can remember the quickest route from the dorm rooms to the football pitch better than I can remember any of my real life shortcuts. It truly feels like a real place.

It needs be remembered just how fantastic the time you will spend in this game is. Jimmy Hopkins spends his first year at Bullworth, and the town beyond, doing odd jobs for the different cliques around school. Jocks, Nerds, Townies, all need Jimmy’s help in different ways. You’ll memorably break an ex-teacher out of the local loony bin, rig the election for student president, and cause lots of trouble at Halloween. Ah yes, Halloween. Bullworth is a living place, and as time passes, the school changes with the seasons. Halloween decorations, snow at Christmas, it even gets summery for summer.

Now, you never do get to drive cars. But this is no loss for there is so much personality to the bikes, and the slower pace makes the world all the more characterful. Even better, released from cars, you’re released from roads. Shortcuts are your bread and butter, through train depots, down back alleys and into trailer parks. Later on you get access to mopeds, but they never compared to the faith I had in my trusty racing bike.

Bully provides a huge variety of things to do. You can cause general mayhem, with kick me signs and stink bombs, start foodfights, or dodgeball, or whatever you feel like. But truth be told it can all be a bit much. You may end up spending so much time in town you lose connection with the school at the heart of the game. Now, this being a game set in a school, lessons play a role. You visit classes, play the minigame within, to learn a new bonus that will help you later. You can play truant if you want, but these lessons are a fun distraction, and the rewards are worth it. The school structure is a great part of the atmosphere, as not playing by the rules puts you on the radar of the prefects. Step out of line and they will come down on you hard, with a menace far greater than the police in ever could. This is a great thing.

The game was a personal favourite of mine years ago on the PS2, and since then has gotten an upgraded release on 360 and PC, and was even ported to the Wii. The gameplay has aged slightly, but It runs smooth and still looks nice, so really this is the kind of fun you should be searching for.

The Day I Became "Not Young"

2010-06-30T14:16:00.000-07:00

About all these youtube videos...

2010-06-30T11:56:00.000-07:00

Dear Mr Dawson,

It has come to our attention that your last three blog posts have all contained youtube clips. While it is understood that directing your readers to a helpful or humourous youtube clip is often a crucial part of any blog post, it has come to our attention that your overuse of this necessity has approached the borders of common decency in this regard. Of your last three posts, all have ended with a youtube clip.

While we have no problem with the content of these clips, (The Ke$ha/Star Trek combo was most entertaining,) we feel that a soft reminder of your duties to the blogosphere are in order. Please buffer your life changing videos, (we need more Old Spice!) with more idle talk about that-funny-thing-what-happened-in-Tesco, or the weather.

If you do not head this warning, swift action will be taken. You connection to youtube will be severed in the only way we, the ConDem Gov't know how - by turning off all the internet! All of Britain will suffer from your short-sightedness! When ordinary citizens are forced to play FIFA against the dull and predictable AI, and have to wait eight months for brand new Futurama to cross the Atlantic Ocean to UK television, hopefully then you will learn your lesson.

You have been warned.

Yours,

Jeremy Richard Brian Streynsham Hunt
Secretary of State for Culture
ConDem Allegiance of Evil

Old Spice

2010-06-29T19:14:00.000-07:00

The majority of adverts are soul sucking time sinks that eat away precious minites of your short life. Some are genius.

SWAN DIVE!

Star Tik Tok

2010-06-20T17:21:00.000-07:00

When you were younger you were taught that adding two and two makes four. This is true.

Sometimes, however, adding things does something strange. Two and two become more than four. They become greater. They become... AWESOME!

Futurama

2010-06-17T16:59:00.000-07:00

So, in case you have not heard, there are new episodes of Futurama coming. And they are now just one week away! If you were wondering, it's moving from Fox to Comedy Central in the USA, which will hopefully turn out to be no bad thing. Best of all, all the original voice-cast are back, even tho' that looked unlikely at one stage. Woo-hoo!

These are going to be the first new episodes for seven years, so as you can imagine, I cannot wait.

There is some justice in the world after all.

Float Out review

2010-06-05T16:35:00.000-07:00

Serenity: Float Out is a one issue comic, set after the movie Serenity, and "expanding" upon the character of Wash. I put expanding in quotations because of how spectacularly it fails to do this.

In this comic, three new characters are about to christen their new ship, when one of them mentions Wash, who has recently died. They spend five pages standing there, expositioning at us about their new ship, which is pointless as these characters are ones we have never seen before nor will ever seen again. They have no personalities, and these pages do nothing for the story. This exposition is very bornig, and what makes it worse, it is the most predicatble backstory imaginable. It just feels like padding.

Then these guys decide, for literally no reason, to share stories about Wash. They take it in turns to tell a story which makes Wash into Jesus. (If Jesus were the pilot of a spaceship. Which he surely will be after the second coming. But I digress.) While this, kind of, makes sense for people reminiscing about a dead friend, but it does nothing for the reader. It just makes these stories less usefull for connecting us to Wash.

In the first story Wash pulls off the impossable, literally, in order to escape some Reavers. In the second, Wash pulls off the impossable, literally, in order to escape some Pirates. In the thrid he dumps his smuggled cargo so a friend can escape a trap.

This is really boring.

Wash does things out of character. He was makes jokes when the real Wash would be serious, due to haviing to concentrate on the whole not dying thing. He pulls stunts that the real Wash would know are impossable. The story does not develop Wash, it just has three guys tell us he was a great pilot. It does nothing to build him as a character, or devlop him in anyway. And it is really boring. This comic is a huge let-down.

This is what I hate about post-cancellation Firefly. You cannot just stick the name to it and call it Firefly. It goes deeper. Serenity was a great sci-fi film, but it was not Firefly. It was clearly not in the same 'verse.

If everyone is just gonna act out of character, then what is even the point of using those characters?

That time I tried to predict the Eenglad squad.

2010-05-31T17:33:00.000-07:00

So, this time last year I decided to make a stab at predicting who would make the English World Cup squad. That squad which was just announced. I was aiming to get 20 of the 23 right... and now to see how I have done.

GKs:

I had predicted James, Foster and Green to make the journey. Well, James and Green go, but Foster is left out for Joe Hart, and I have to say that is the right decision. Last September, Ben Foster was given his chance for Man Utd... with VDS injured, he was between the sticks for some high profile games, but put in some poor performances and didn’t make the step up I was expecting. Joe Hart gets the nod instead, and given the “quality” of the other options, that makes sense. Anyway, the third choice keeper has only been used three times in the history of the world cup, and one of those time it was a managers decision, not due to injury, so frankly our third keeper doesn’t matter.
2/3

DEF:

So, the core of this I predicted, Ashley Cole, Rio Ferdinand, Glen Johnson, John Terry, but that is where it goes very wrong. I thought Fabio would only take 7 defenders, but he has decided to take 9! How was I to know that Lescott would become a pathetic defender? Still, it was to be expected that Wes “injury prone” Brown might miss out. Not so expect was the inclusion of Ledley “actually injured all the time” King in his place. Upson is for some reason consider worthy, even though he is shockingly bad, especially when compared to Michael Dawson, and Warnock gets Baines’ spot, which is hard to argue with as they are both pretty bland left-backs. But the shock here is the return of Jamie “I never cared about England” Carragher. When someone retires from internationals, and writes of how little he values international football in his autobiograohy, it looks pretty weak to phone him up, begging him to come back, when we are trying to compete seriously in a major tournament.
4/9

MID:

Well, this looks slightly better. I correctly said that Hargreaves would not recover in time, which is a huge shame, and I correctly argued that Walcott would miss out. I even predicted James Milner, which now looks a good call. Of course, Beckham would likely have been there if not injured, so that is understandable... but I look a right idiot for predicting Downing to make the cut, missing out SWP.
7/8

FW:

Finally, things looks good. I got all four, which is a nice way to end things. And given our options, it is clearly the right four.
4/4

So what can we learn from all this? Well, sometimes average players like Downing will be finally dropped, and sometime average players will continue to get picked for no discernable reason... I am looking at you Upson. Of course, our first 11 has not changed for the past year, so getting that right is no huge surprise. It was picking our second choice backline which proved the problem... mainly because England have such poor options in that field at the moment. When we have to take the permanently injured King, and beg Carragher to return, you know things are going badly. Considering I was aiming for the 20 mark, it seems I was slightly overconfident. You could argue that it was injuries to Brown and Beckham which set me back there, and given how close it must have been when choosing Warnock over Baines, I was actually closer than it looks.
My Final Score: 17/23
Anyways, here’s hoping that all 23 can give us a World Cup to remember.

New Scott Pilgrim Trailer

2010-05-29T19:28:00.000-07:00

This is going to be so very, very, awesome.

Valve Speculation

2010-05-25T15:42:00.000-07:00

So... there is some almost news that Valve, (those guys who make Half Life) are planning a surprise for this years E3 Expo.

This led to a fair bit of internet humour as to what Valve could be doing. A fair bit of parody at how slow they are at doing anything, for example. Of course, I immediately thought of joking how "the surprise is a lie" before realising that was pretty much the joke everyone had made, instantly, and so I was already five minutes behind the entire internet.

So. Yeh.

Warning: From now on this is pretty much just me speculating what Valve are gonna do this E3. If you don't know what E3 is, or who Valve are, then don't worry, it is not really that important. But if you don't know, this post is either going to make little sense, or be pretty dull. Maybe both. Who can tell.

But what could this surprise be? The most obvious would be for a sequel to be announced... but of the various IPs Valve have, we already (pretty much) know the status of these. Portal is definitely getting a sequel sometime "soon", Half Life Ep3 is in "development", and since Team Fortress still has a few class updates to go, so I doubt there would be sequel talk there. That leaves Left 4 Dead, but that just had a new title last Christmas, and I don't think Valve are gonna try to make that an annual thing. So I don't think the "surprise" is going to just the announcement of a new game. We already know, kinda, how those series are playing out. I doubt a "big surprise" would involve any of those.

So here is my guess. New Counter Strike. Considering how many people played CSS back in the day, a new version of CSS could draw all those people back. Valve have been tweaking CSS in recent patches, maybe testing things out to see how the community reacts. This is because they are planning a new game. Vavle love teasing the community, they love to have anticipation build for a very... long... time. Remember how long we had to wait for the original L4D? Or how long we have already been waiting for Ep3? Valve will drop a bombshell and then wait over a year before bringing results. This would be a big project. That project will be Counter Strike. You heard it here first.

(Of course, this is not what I really want. I want Episode 3. So get on that Valve.)

Dawson for England

2010-05-15T12:18:00.000-07:00

I Bring Terrible News.

2010-05-14T15:35:00.000-07:00

So, this is the time of year when all the big American TV networks decide whether or not to bring back their shows for next year. As a result, this is a tense time for people who like our televisions, as at any moment, news may break that a show we love have been cancelled. That a show we enjoyed will not continue. That the show is dead. That is why this is a tense time. Because every year, we get bad news. Sad news.

This year is no different. Some shows have already fallen. Some are safe. Others still hang in the balance. I’ll give you the headlines. Chuck has survived for another year, despite things not looking good for a while. But that is it for good news. Seriously. Every other show I liked has been hit by a terrible fate. Here is the bad news: Better off Ted had died. Scrubs has been sent to the farm. Heroes has been turned into glue. Legend of the Seeker has gone to meet its maker. FlashForward is no more. Dollhouse is finished. What with 24 and Lost already coming to an end this month, that is a pretty huge cull from my TV life. There’s only one piece of solice to take from this, which is some of those shows had been slowly dying for months now. But as a whole, this is some terribly saddening news to hit all at once.

Those were some great shows. Man, a couple of those deserve to get their own Best Show You’re Not Watching at some stage. But it is hard to say that individually they come as a surprise. Better Off Ted was a lucky renewal last year. Despite having an amazing script, and a cult following, it has had mediocre ratings, and looked like it was coming to an end. The scripts in the second season felt tired, you could feel that the jokes flow not as fast as before. But it was still a delight, and to know it will not be coming back hurts. But at least it doesn't leave mysteries unsolved. FlashForward arrived heralded as "the new Lost", with a detailed four-year plan, a complex mystery and complex characters. Instead we got an formulaic show where literally nothing happened for weeks, with a central mystery that didn't make sense, and which never developed. When it restarted after Christmas, I never got the energy to start watching again. And now knowing that it will never get the time to answer the questions is decided to build up, it feels like a huge let down.

We already knew that 24 and Lost were coming to an end, and those two great shows have been winding down in the last few months, which has been great fun. Heroes on the other hand, has been such a huge crapfest for such a long time now, it is hard to believe it has survived this long. It is only because that first season was one of the best things I have ever watched on television, that I still kept watching. Even tho' it has been kicking me in the nuts for years now. This is the one bit of news that actually comes as a bit of a relief, as I am now free.

Now, Scrubs has been going for longer than I thought it would. I thought it was finished two years ago, but then it moved network to ABC. Then last year they finished it off, JD left, and it looked again like it had finished. But it came back this year with a new setting and a new cast, and y'know what, it was funny. Not perfect, I concede, not perfect like before, but still funny. And now it has finished. Dollhouse also finished, but it never deserved a second season. It is only because it has the godlike Joss Whedon name attached that it got a second chance, and I never did catch up, tho' I still intend to at some stage. Oh, and the wonderfully formulaic Seeker has also not been renewed, much to my dissapointment.

So there we have it. In the last few days, this terrible news broke. Terrible, sad news. Hate to break it to you, but these were some wonderful shows. And they are no more.

Best Worst Movie

2010-05-12T15:43:00.000-07:00

They're eating her! And then... they're gonna eat me! Oh my.... Gaaaaaaaaaahhhd!

Birthday!

2010-04-30T22:57:00.000-07:00

So that was being a teenager. It was not as much wacky fun as the sitcoms they used to show on nickelodeon used to suggest. I never even got one wacky money making scheme of the ground, and I can't think of a single time when mistaken identity led to hilarity. Not that it wasn't awesome, because it was, it's just I was never able to sue a multinational corporation because I found a screw in my can of tuna. The most exciting thing I ever found in a can of tuna was tuna. But that was OK, because it led to a pretty exceptional sandwich.

So I guess what I am saying to myself, is... may my twenties involve many more great sandwiches.

Jonah Hex

2010-04-27T15:52:00.000-07:00

I love it when a film you had been taking no notice of gets an incredible trailer. When you get to sit down, and watch a trailer for a movie which meant nothing to you before, but in one hundred and fifty seconds has become somehting worth getting excited about. This is that sort of trailer. Hopefully, the movie will live up to it. I can't wait to find out.

My New Hobby

2010-04-26T13:50:00.000-07:00

Click picture to embiggen.

Best Show Your Not Watching - April

2010-04-23T18:02:00.000-07:00

Archer

There is something about James Bond. The way he gets all the girls, the witty puns, the gadgets, the excitement, the violence, all while visiting exotic locations and being completely self interested. And yet he is our hero because he is completely charming. James Bond, however, is not hilarious.

Archer is a spy who is not charming. He is the most self-obsessed, the most arrogant and he has more mother issues than could fill a transatlantic hydrogen airship. He is hilarious.

Each animated episode is based around some mission becoming available for the ISIS intelligence service, with Archer usually being the agent assigned, often involving his ex-girlfriend, and fellow spy, Lana Kane. And it is hilarious.

See, these missions will always be all about the conflict. Not just between the spy and those spied upon, but between Archer and Lana, Archer and his Mother, Archer and Lana’s new boyfriend Cyril, or Lana and her new boyfriend Cyril. This conflict has the kind of fast paced dialogue that makes me disappointed my life is not as brilliantly scripted as this, just so I could have lines like “I didn’t invent the turtleneck, Lana, but I was the first to recognize its potential as a tactical garment. The tactical turtleneck. The tactalneck.” That is just hilarious.

Of course, I couldn’t recommend this to anyone, what with it being so deliberately offensive and raunchy. Seriously. But that is why Archer is so great, because every situation goes so far beyond what you would ever consider acceptable, and yet remains so relatable. I may never have broken my cover trying to get the plans for a new nuclear submarine, while a sniper covers my escape from a Cuban hit squad, but I have definitely spilled something on my favourite shirt and known it was gonna stain, and be ruined. It just wasn’t blood on my linen shirt. Cos that would be hilarious.

This is all kinds of awesome.

2010-04-20T17:49:00.000-07:00

Soz for long gap

2010-04-19T10:48:00.000-07:00

Soz for the long gap since I actually wrote something. Kinda kept keeping on forgetting about this, but don't worry. I be back on the internet properly now.

Off on Holiday!

2010-03-30T17:58:00.000-07:00

I am goin' on holiday! woot!

Literally

2010-03-29T15:29:00.000-07:00

Click picture to embiggen.

Essay

2010-03-27T13:57:00.000-07:00

Soz about lack of posts. I has 10,000 word essay to write.

Importance of a Handshake

2010-03-06T19:20:00.000-08:00

This is taken from Football365, and it solves a mystery that has puzzled me for age. Why does Andy Cole hate Teddy Sheringham?

Were you among the people who thought Wayne Bridge's phantom handshake was a touch immature? Well if you were, here's some perspective.

Andy Cole, writing in column in The Independent, explains why he has hated Teddy Sheringham for 15 years. Did he do the bad thing with a former girlfriend? No. Did he snap his leg in two places? No. Did he say some mean things about him in the press? No. So why? Why the decade and a half beef? Why the disgust? Why the feud? Over to Andy:

'It was early 1995, I had recently signed for Manchester United, and it was my England debut, against Uruguay. I was a sub. I came on for Sheringham (who was then at Spurs), after about 70 minutes. You'll need to understand what was in my head at that moment to get even close to comprehending my reaction to what happened next.

'I was so nervous it was frightening. This was the culmination of a lifetime of ambition. You hear the cliché, "It means everything to play for my country". But trust me, it did. Not just for me, but for my family, my parents especially, who had endured all kinds of hardships to give us the chances we had. Becoming a pro had been incredible. Now the magnitude of playing for England was indescribable. The moment has arrived.

'I walk on to the pitch, 60,000 or so watching. Sheringham is coming off. I expect a brief handshake, a "Good luck, Coley", or something. I am ready to shake. He snubs me. He actively snubs me, for no reason I was ever aware of then or since. He walks off. I don't even know the bloke so he can't have any issue with me. We're fellow England players, it is my debut and he snubs me.

'You know what my immediate thoughts were? "Jesus Christ! How many people just saw Teddy Sheringham do that to me?" I was embarrassed. I was confused. And there you have it. From that moment on, I knew Sheringham was not for me.'

Remarkable stuff, but the best was yet to come. With extraordinary skill and cunning, he somehow managed to paint John Terry as a victim in the unholy mess with Bridge:

'I'd guess a lot of people will have seen Bridge giving Terry "the empty hand" and thought, "Well done". All I can say is I know what it's like to refuse to shake someone's hand, and if Bridgey thought that was the right thing to do at that moment for him, then fair enough.'

OK Go

2010-03-04T16:00:00.000-08:00

This is absolutely astonishing. The song is decent, but the video is mindblowingly epic.

2010-03-03T21:02:00.000-08:00

(Click pictures to embiggen)

Alternative Response:

Looks like… *Puts on sunglasses* …Dinners served… YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!

(I thought I was better than this, but I could only think of one pun. Poor show, I know, but it is now time for Family Guy. So Instead I will leave you with these)

I had a dream...

2010-02-28T09:32:00.000-08:00

NOTE: When I started writing this, it seemed like a "good" idea. Now I have written it, it seems a shame not to publish, even though this is a post of a dream I had, and as such the lowest point a blogger can reach.

So. Last night I had a dream. Wayne Rooney and I were carrying a football goal into the middle of a field. We put it down, found our football and started playing. However, before long, there was this earthquake, and the ground started crack. We had two cars, and for some reason decided to split up. The ground was now collapsing around my car, and the road was now in a rainforest. Then there were these scientists fighting mercenaries, you could tell they were scientists because of their lab coats, and the mercenaries were winning, but I scared them off.. I can't remember how but I assume it was beacuse my car was a transformer.

Anyhoo, the scientists were all dead, except for one, who said they were protecting this egg, and that I needed to get it to the University of Bolivia. So I got in a plane, with the scientist, at a runway that was behind the trees, and then my brother phoned me (even though the phone reception must be poor at 30,000 feet), and told me that it was snowing in london, and that this was connected somehow, but he couldn't explain why over the phone, and would meet me at the University. (Of Bolivia).

So, we got the to university. And we got the egg to the science lab, and it started to crack, and all these crazy tentacles started to come out! And the scientist told me to run! And so I ran! But I had no idea where to go, but the tentacles kept chasing me.

See this is the middle act of my dream and abolsutley nothing happens. It is just me running through a building trying to escape from these crazy tentacles. Frankly, any decent editor would cut it down, but it kept going for ages.

So, the scientist phones me, and tells me to get to room 314 to kill the monster. And I am now trapped in a classroom, which has a small window in the corner. I try to get out, but just before I can, the tentacles come in, and I have to sneak past, 'cos they are like the monsters in half life that have no eyes and only attack on sound. Anyhoo, I stay quiet, the monsters decide I must not be here, and move on. So I go through the window on the other side, but before I jump I see that the drop is like 20 feet! Ah! But the monsters are behind me, and I know room 314 is down this way. But still, it is a long drop.

So I hang off the window ledge, and then I drop, and I land in the middle of a basketball game. I then I run off the basketball court, outside and across a field, (the weather is now a storm for some reason) and back to the science lab, which now has room 314 in the corner.

So I go to the door...

And I open the door...

And then I wake up.

Fate intervened...

2010-02-27T22:26:00.000-08:00

There us a reason why Man Utd won the Carling Cup. It is not, as it would appear to most common observers, the magnificence of Wayne Rooney. In fact, it was the Universe making sure that Villa did not win. Why? Because if they had won, this would have been their victory song.

Seriously, I need to warn you. Being forced to listen to this is considered toture under EU law. Choosing to listen to this, with the excpetion of ironic reasons, carries the death penalty. It is horrific.

Time Management

2010-02-22T19:22:00.000-08:00

So, what things have I accomplished in my big "weekend-of-work"... what with this big essay due tomorrow morning...

+Started watching season 4 of How I Met Your Mother. (Barney in old man make-up!)
+Watched the (live!) anniversary episode of Eastenders, where the muderer was revealed.
+Did some (white!) laundry.
+Saw Manchester United lose to Everton. (Save us Rooney!)
+Spent longer cooking (and washing up!) than was wise.
+Watched The Hurt Locker. (Epic film!)
+Started a game of GalCiv. (Slowly winning an inter-galactic war of attrition!)
+Played football (It was cold!) for about two hours, up on campus.
+Went to the pub. (Yay!)
+Watched Community. (It was the Xmas special!)
+Slept in far later than planned. (I regret nothing!)
+Wrote this...

Ninja Exit Only

2010-02-18T12:55:00.000-08:00