Showing posts with label Humour. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Humour. Show all posts
Monday, 13 June 2011
I wonder...
I wonder at what age I will start untying and then re-tying my shoelaces properly, instead of just jamming my feet into already-tied shoes.
Saturday, 15 May 2010
Wednesday, 3 March 2010
Thursday, 18 February 2010
Tuesday, 5 May 2009
Suggested Captions
A woman in California recently woke up to discover an Alligator on her front garden. I have a couple of suggested captions for the accompanying picture.
1. Captain Hook knew, even in witness protection, he would never be safe...
2. I am just gonna poke it with this stick...
3. The Keep Off The Grass sign was always obeyed.
4. “Ssssh! They can’t see me if I keep... very... still.”
5. A far better trick than a plastic spider on a string...
6. The free gift with Extreme Pets Monthly was rather over the top.
7. We are gonna need a bigger stick...
8. “As an Alligator, am I still allowed to cry Crocodile tears?”
9. Far more effective than a Dog at keeping door-to-door salesmen at bay.
10. Step 1 – Alligator; Step 2 - ?; Step 3 – Profit!
1. Captain Hook knew, even in witness protection, he would never be safe...
2. I am just gonna poke it with this stick...
3. The Keep Off The Grass sign was always obeyed.
4. “Ssssh! They can’t see me if I keep... very... still.”
5. A far better trick than a plastic spider on a string...
6. The free gift with Extreme Pets Monthly was rather over the top.
7. We are gonna need a bigger stick...
8. “As an Alligator, am I still allowed to cry Crocodile tears?”
9. Far more effective than a Dog at keeping door-to-door salesmen at bay.
10. Step 1 – Alligator; Step 2 - ?; Step 3 – Profit!
Wednesday, 29 April 2009
Monday, 30 March 2009
The Perfect Answer Phone Message
Pretty sure a microwave isn't supposed to make that noise. I wonder what th-- CRUSH KILL DESTROY ALL HUMANS!
Tuesday, 23 December 2008
A T-Rex Cannot...
PCGamer recently ran a joke, based upon why it would be unfortunate to be a T-Rex on account of having such short arms. Arms of such a diminutive nature would surely be a dissadvantage in the modernw world, and as such mankind is superior to a T-Rex, in that they cannot do so many things. This joke has had me thinking, and so here I type, writing down all the things I imagine a T-Rex would have trouble with. Incfedibly, this list is, almost entirely, my own work! Huzzah!
A T-Rex Cannot:
001. Cope with the crushing loneliness of existence...
002. Stop laughing at that water-skiing squirrel...
003. Catch that pidgeon - now!
004. Put on a hat
005. Arm-Wrestle
006. Reach the shark repellent bat-spray.
007. Perform Seppuku.
008. Draw Brian’s Guide.
009. Put in headphones.
010. Use semaphore flags.
011. Ride a horse.
012. Stop the music.
013. Steeple their fingers and say “excellent.”
014.Perform the Haka with the All Blacks.
015. Fire a arrow with a longbow.
016. Reach for the sky.
017. Give a cracker to their shoulder-parrot, Polly.
018. Attach their braces to their trousers.
019. Use a knife-wrench.
010. Do the Safety Dance.
011. Be fired. He quits.
012. Wield a Bat’leth.
013. Wave away pungent odours efficiently.
014. Save the Princess. She is in another castle.
015. Accept Serenity as Canon.
016. Put in contact lenses.
017. Swat a fly that has landed on the tip of their nose.
018. Save Emperor Uriel Septim VII.
019. Drink Shots.
020. Pick up Desdemona’s handkerchief.
021. Catch the Golden Snitch with ease.
022. Play a DS.
023. Catch ‘em all.
024. Perform a tracheotomy.
025. Defend themselves against ear-poison attack while asleep.
026. Speak into their hand-held dictaphone.
027. Stop the rain from fallin’.
028. Button their shirt.
029. Chose ‘tween Captains Kirk and Picard.
030. Bounce on a space hopper.
031. Tie their tie.
032. Adjust the sliding transporter controls on the Enterprise.
033. Salute.
034. Hammer a nail.
035. Do the Kessel Run in less than 12 parsecs.
036. Effectively contribute to a Mexican Wave.
037. Pick items off the highest shelves in supermarkets.
038. Brandish a yellow card dramatically during a football match.
039. Brandish a red card dramatically during a football match.
040. Do the rolex sweep.
041. Manoeuvre the submarine periscope.
042. Retrieve a tennis ball that has rolled under a car.
043. Do the YMCA
044. Put in their own cufflinks.
045. Pinch a nosebleed.
046. Defend against the Corbomite Manoeuvre.
047. Apply Mascara.
048. Remove Mascara.
049. Simultaneously pat their head and rub their stomachs.
050. Pat their head - at all.
051. Pick Apples.
052. Catch me. I’m the Gingerbreadman!
053. Mime being trapped in a glass box.
054. Tip their hat to a passin’ lady.
055. Covertly speak into a wrist-microphone.
056. Apply Lipstick.
057. Apply Lip balm.
058. Play a violin.
059. Play the world’s smallest violin.
060. Fit to the proportions of Da Vinci’s Vitruvian Man.
061. Participate in either half of the Swanee-Kazoo round on I’m Sorry I Haven’t A Clue.
062. Put this Babel fish in their ear.
063. Trim their nose-hairs.
064. Proudly hold high the ‘V for Victory’.
065. Put on a wrist-watch.
066. Wolf-Whistle.
067. Bring back Pushing Daisies.
068. Accurately represent the size of a fish that got away.
069. A Kamehameha.
070. Style hair.
071. Play the cello.
072. Dry their tears.
073. Twirl a mustache.
074. Cover for Atlas.
075. Floss their teeth.
076. Throw a pokéball like Ash.
077. Perform a Vulcan mind-meld.
078. Take the midnight train going anywhere.
079. Use Binoculars.
080. Fit the Star Wars prequels with the original canon.
081. Handle the truth.
082. Put on their own clown make-up.
083. Hold a shell to their ear and hear the sea.
084. Shop at Tesco (guide-dogs only)
085. Adjust a microscope during use.
086. Play an ocarina.
087. Play a harmonica.
088. Reach the hip holster of their six-shooter.
089. Pull the parachute rip-cord.
090. Understand this thing you humans call "love".
091. Throw a lasso around the moon and pull it down.
092. Juggle
093. Open a jar
094. Tie their shoe-laces
095. High-Five
096. Brush their teeth
097. Realise a life-long ambition of becoming a world-famous trapeze artist.
098. Apply Shampoo
099. Rinse Shampoo
100. Repeat
A T-Rex Cannot:
001. Cope with the crushing loneliness of existence...
002. Stop laughing at that water-skiing squirrel...
003. Catch that pidgeon - now!
004. Put on a hat
005. Arm-Wrestle
006. Reach the shark repellent bat-spray.
007. Perform Seppuku.
008. Draw Brian’s Guide.
009. Put in headphones.
010. Use semaphore flags.
011. Ride a horse.
012. Stop the music.
013. Steeple their fingers and say “excellent.”
014.Perform the Haka with the All Blacks.
015. Fire a arrow with a longbow.
016. Reach for the sky.
017. Give a cracker to their shoulder-parrot, Polly.
018. Attach their braces to their trousers.
019. Use a knife-wrench.
010. Do the Safety Dance.
011. Be fired. He quits.
012. Wield a Bat’leth.
013. Wave away pungent odours efficiently.
014. Save the Princess. She is in another castle.
015. Accept Serenity as Canon.
016. Put in contact lenses.
017. Swat a fly that has landed on the tip of their nose.
018. Save Emperor Uriel Septim VII.
019. Drink Shots.
020. Pick up Desdemona’s handkerchief.
021. Catch the Golden Snitch with ease.
022. Play a DS.
023. Catch ‘em all.
024. Perform a tracheotomy.
025. Defend themselves against ear-poison attack while asleep.
026. Speak into their hand-held dictaphone.
027. Stop the rain from fallin’.
028. Button their shirt.
029. Chose ‘tween Captains Kirk and Picard.
030. Bounce on a space hopper.
031. Tie their tie.
032. Adjust the sliding transporter controls on the Enterprise.
033. Salute.
034. Hammer a nail.
035. Do the Kessel Run in less than 12 parsecs.
036. Effectively contribute to a Mexican Wave.
037. Pick items off the highest shelves in supermarkets.
038. Brandish a yellow card dramatically during a football match.
039. Brandish a red card dramatically during a football match.
040. Do the rolex sweep.
041. Manoeuvre the submarine periscope.
042. Retrieve a tennis ball that has rolled under a car.
043. Do the YMCA
044. Put in their own cufflinks.
045. Pinch a nosebleed.
046. Defend against the Corbomite Manoeuvre.
047. Apply Mascara.
048. Remove Mascara.
049. Simultaneously pat their head and rub their stomachs.
050. Pat their head - at all.
051. Pick Apples.
052. Catch me. I’m the Gingerbreadman!
053. Mime being trapped in a glass box.
054. Tip their hat to a passin’ lady.
055. Covertly speak into a wrist-microphone.
056. Apply Lipstick.
057. Apply Lip balm.
058. Play a violin.
059. Play the world’s smallest violin.
060. Fit to the proportions of Da Vinci’s Vitruvian Man.
061. Participate in either half of the Swanee-Kazoo round on I’m Sorry I Haven’t A Clue.
062. Put this Babel fish in their ear.
063. Trim their nose-hairs.
064. Proudly hold high the ‘V for Victory’.
065. Put on a wrist-watch.
066. Wolf-Whistle.
067. Bring back Pushing Daisies.
068. Accurately represent the size of a fish that got away.
069. A Kamehameha.
070. Style hair.
071. Play the cello.
072. Dry their tears.
073. Twirl a mustache.
074. Cover for Atlas.
075. Floss their teeth.
076. Throw a pokéball like Ash.
077. Perform a Vulcan mind-meld.
078. Take the midnight train going anywhere.
079. Use Binoculars.
080. Fit the Star Wars prequels with the original canon.
081. Handle the truth.
082. Put on their own clown make-up.
083. Hold a shell to their ear and hear the sea.
084. Shop at Tesco (guide-dogs only)
085. Adjust a microscope during use.
086. Play an ocarina.
087. Play a harmonica.
088. Reach the hip holster of their six-shooter.
089. Pull the parachute rip-cord.
090. Understand this thing you humans call "love".
091. Throw a lasso around the moon and pull it down.
092. Juggle
093. Open a jar
094. Tie their shoe-laces
095. High-Five
096. Brush their teeth
097. Realise a life-long ambition of becoming a world-famous trapeze artist.
098. Apply Shampoo
099. Rinse Shampoo
100. Repeat
Tuesday, 6 May 2008
Faint Heart Never Won Fair Lady
Crap, there goes my master plan. Love and World Domintion will need to be comletely re-thought...
Thursday, 6 March 2008
Hidden Mobile Phones
I was in an awkward situation today. There I am standing on a crowded bus, and this large, middle-aged bloke suddenly yelled into my face if I wanted to "ave a beer this even'n".
I responded that I had a prior engagement, politely turning him down, only for him to give me a threatening look. He followed this up with an, even louder, "Are you bein' funny?!"
It was at this stage that I realised he was yelling into one of those headsets that people use, connected to their modile phones, and then sureptitiously tucked into their collars. It appears that he was not adressing me. I was, of course relived, and slightly embarassed. This embarassment was made worse by the fact that I was stuck less than a foot away from him for the next half hour.
I responded that I had a prior engagement, politely turning him down, only for him to give me a threatening look. He followed this up with an, even louder, "Are you bein' funny?!"
It was at this stage that I realised he was yelling into one of those headsets that people use, connected to their modile phones, and then sureptitiously tucked into their collars. It appears that he was not adressing me. I was, of course relived, and slightly embarassed. This embarassment was made worse by the fact that I was stuck less than a foot away from him for the next half hour.
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