The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey

I just rewatched the first half of The Hobbit, and it’s quite the mess. Truth be told, I think it does come together by the end, but I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to watch it all in one sitting.

It's hard to pin down exactly what'd ruins the early sections of the movie for me. The "wizard" with bird shit in his beard, who drives a sled pulled by rabbits, is a prime choice for the worst bit. But what really did it for me, and made me actually up and rage-quit, was the scene where the trolls are making constant fart and snot jokes, being the dictionary definition of "mild peril" like this is goddamn Ice Age 5 or Madagascar 6 or Cars 4 or whatever cheap hackney kids movie is in theatres now.

The fact it takes forever to get started, and that Martin Freeman makes the exact same reaction face before and after he speaks every line (hesitates, frowns and sighs,) put me in a bad mood, and then that troll scene finally did it.

However, I stand by it being a good movie. Not just a decent one, but a good one. A movie worth watching. And I got to thinking, how can a movie which deliberately wastes so much of the audience’s time be forgiven for such a thing?

After (literally) two hours of wasting time, the movie starts to come together. Gollum shows up, and afterwards there's something of a final set-peice. Those scenes are actually really great to watch, taken on their own, and truth be told they leave me cautiously looking forward to the next film. Call me a sucker and you'll likely not be wrong, but An Unexpected Journey does pick up at the end.

See, I was thinking about it, and here's the thing. The Hobbit assumes it's already won you over. It doesn't feel the need to achieve anything quickly, or really to do anything at all, because it knows you'll put up with its timewasting bullshit. And people like me do, put up with it I mean, and walk out planning to buy a ticket for the sequel. Because I'm happy to watch a band of adventuring misfits walk slowly around New Zealand for a few hours.

If you can suffer through the worst bits, which there's admittedly a constant stream of early on, and can get past the entire enterprise having the feel of the unnecessary prequel to a better movie yet to come, it does honestly start to become something different once the gang leave Rivendell. I'd say it's worth finishing.

It’s just that The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey is hard to love.

2013 and the Months of Bad Movies.

In case you hadn't noticed, by the way, there are literally no good films out. At all. There's only stuff life GI Joe 2 and Burt Wonderstone coming out in the next few weeks, and that looks about as enjoyable as tinnitus.

This is literally the worst start to a year, in terms of movies at the cinema, that I can think of.

For example, through these first 12 weeks of 2013, it’s been a miserable time at the box-office. To quote my go to movie website these days, 'There have been only two legitimate box-office hits: Oz the Great and Powerful (us$145 million after 10 days) and Identity Thief (us$123 million after six weeks). It’s so bad at this point that the third and fourth highest grossing films of 2013 are the forgettable Mama (us$71 million) and the putrid Safe Haven (us$66 million). Nearly every weekend this year has been met with either a huge bomb or a major disappointment." Take Jack the Giant Slayer, Bryan Singer’s massive us$200million picture, which came in at just over us$28 million. That's a worse opening than even John Carter, and it’s not alone. Die Hard 5, Gangster Squad, Safe Haven, Hansel & Gretel, Parker...


2013 blows.


(source)

How To Watch Star Wars

So, the other day, I was killing time at the bus stop, in the freezing wind and snow, letting my mind drift, and I wondered to myself, what movies would I wish to watch for the first time again.

Obviously some movies with big twist endings. Maybe Chris Nolan’s movies, The Prestige, Memento, Inception. I wish I could see The Matrix in the cinema, or Jurassic Park on the big screen.

And while those are good thoughts, those are not the right answer. I wish I could watch Star Wars for the first time again. Because I want to watch it in machete order. I don’t want to watch it in the normal order, and neither should you. Just listen as to why.

First though, a disclaimer. This isn’t my idea. I wish I had thought of it, but I didn’t. The original idea, as far as I know, comes from an American blogger called Rod Hilton, back in 2011.
http://www.nomachetejuggling.com/2011/11/11/the-star-wars-saga-suggested-viewing-order/

Second, this is a spoiler free zone. If you’ve never seen Star Wars, well, you’re priorities need straightening. But I’m not going to tell you what happens and ruin the fun for you, so don’t worry about that.

OK. So. Star Wars. The first film, which is Episode 4, came out in 1977. It’s followed by Episodes 5&6 in what’s called the Original Trilogy. Then, in 1999, there was Episode 1, followed by Episodes 2&3. The general view is that the new films, or The Prequel Trilogy, are not quite as brilliant as the Original Trilogy.

If you decide to watch Star Wars for the first time, you are presented with two basic options. You could either watch them in Release Order, or Episode Order. Both of the options have massive flaws.

Watching them in Episode Order (1,2,3,4,5,6), ruins the twist in Empire, which you might already know, but more than that the prequels don’t tell a very good standalone story. You need the knowledge of the 4,5&6 to really enjoy the prequels.

The problem with watching them in chronological order is that the prequels are designed to lead into Luke Skywalker’s story, and so the ending of episode 3 is unsatisfactory as it’s not meant to be THE END, but just a natural pause between episodes 3&4.

The alternative suggestion, which has exploded in popularity amongst Star Wars fans, is affectionately known as Machete Order.

Star Wars isn’t really the story of Anakin Skywalker, it’s the Story of Luke Skywalker. Machete Order maintains this by starting with Episode 4, which is the beginning of Luke’s journey. We then continue into Episode 5, which famously ends with somewhat of a cliff-hanger. BUT, and this is the fun part, instead of going straight on, to Episode 6, we take an extended flashback to the Prequels. This means that we get to see the best start to the series and the best end to the series, in their rightful places. Delaying the resolution of Luke’s story makes it all the more satisfying, and it frames the prequel story neatly.

So, after finishing Empire Strike Back, what do you watch next?

This is the clever part. SKIP EPISODE 1.

Star Wars Episode 1 is one of the most disappointing films ever made. If you want to know exactly why, I name Mr. Plinkett’s review as one of the best videos on all of youtube. Simply put, Episode 1 is boring and pointless. NOTHING that happens in the movie is necessary to the grand plot of Star Wars, and almost none of it is enjoyable to watch.

EXHIBIT A – Jar-Jar
EXHIBIT B – The Senate

In Machete Order, you skip straight from Episode 5, back into the flashback prequel story of Episode 2. And the things which get removed, are gone for the good of everyone involved.

There’s almost no Jar-Jar, there’s no terrible acting from Jake Llloyd, no midichlorians. We don’t need to know about pod-racing, and while Darth Maul is cool, he’s not actually important to anything. There’s no confusion between Padme and the Decoy, there’s no Trade Disputes, no references to a virgin birth.

But it’s not just about removing the unloved ugly child of Star Wars, removing Episode 1 tells a far better story. Every new character in Episode I is removed from the main story afterwards (Darth Maul, Qui-Gon, Chancellor Valorum), or re-introduced more effectively in Episode 2(Mace Windu, Palpatine, Watto). Anakin is never an annoying child, he’s an impulsive young man when we first meet him. Obi-Wan looks like Obi-Wan did in the Original films, and in Episode 2 he acts more like he did then, compared to Episode 1 when he was only an apprentice. Knowledge of the prequels also adds a great deal to the final film, episode 6. (To explain why would be a severe spoiler, so if you want to know why you should check out Rod Hilton’s original article.)

The biggest problem with machete order is that viewers tend to think there was more back-story in Episode 1 then there actually was. People assume Episode 1 was important somehow, when it really, really, isn’t important at all.

You can still watch Episode 1, after everything else. It does have some fun moments, but it’s best to treat it in the same way you’d treat any Expanded Universe stuff, like the TV show or the video-games. It’s not part of the main story.

I wish I could re-watch Star Wars. I wish I could watch it just for machete order. Just so I could see it the best way.

4 - 5 - 2 - 3 - 6

Community returns to TV!

Community started up again this month, and that’s all kinds of a good thing. Having had to cruelly wait nearly four months for the was-to-be-October-19th season 4 debut, anticipation levels for the new season were as high as could be.

Community has always been a show which is constantly changing. As Abed himself says, “I remember when this show was about a community college.” Those early episodes of the Study Group having homework assignments due for Spanish class are long gone, with neither of these opening episodes paying more than lip service to the idea the group are studying history this season. This isn’t unexpected. After introducing Omar-From-The-Wire as a biology teacher last year, the show completely wasted any potential humour hidden there. Instead, Community went off onto a wacky tangent about Troy being head-hunted by the AC Repair school. The Study Group are that only in name, and have been for a few years now, and so worrying that the new season will focus less on their College lives feels a moot point.

The reason for the extra scrutiny this time around, comes from the departure of show-runner Dan Harmon from the series. The much talked about animosity between Chevy Chase (Pierce) and Harmon, with the wrap party public spat and embarrassing drunk dial debacle, ultimately led to Harmon leaving the show and Chevy Chase sticking around for this fourth season before also parting company.

Having a show-runner leave the show is by no means the final nail in the coffin for a program often rumoured to be in danger of cancellation. The West Wing continued on without Sorkin, Larry David left Seinfeld and Amy Sherman-Palladino left Gilmore Girls. The loss of Dan Harmon may actually free the show to move in a new direction. While the tone of the show was definitely set by Dan Harmon, the characters themselves have been rather directionless of late. Shirley has been poorly used, Britta and Annie have been devoid of momentum in their personal arcs for a long time now. Last season’s over-reliance on Tory & Abed was what made this most apparent, with those two being given most of the main plots and character development.

A new season brings new opportunities for Community to grow, and with Dan Harmon moved on from the project, this could actually allow the breathing room the show needed just as it was beginning to stagnate. In some ways it reminds me of the new life which was breathed into Star Trek after Gene Roddenberry stepped down, with Berman & Piller taking over. Hopefully the tenure of David Guarascio and Moses Port will do the same for Community.

Now Avatar Makes Sense...

In the movie Avatar, it turns out that all of the trees on the planet are joined in a massive godlike hivemind called Eywa - who is conincidentally the Na'vi God. So, Eywa is a planetary brain made out of all the trees of the world. That alone is quite amazing, but not divine.

Okay, so all Pandoran life hooks into her, but only plants are wired to her network full-time. Eywa liked being worshiped as a goddess and chose to use her control of the world's more primitive animals to keep the Na'vi locked in scientific and technological stasis so that they would never advance far enough in science to study her true nature and blow the whole thing. After all, when she provides them what they need, why would they advance?

Her plans hit a snag when humans came to Pandora. Here was a sentient species with technology to reach the stars and the science to figure out what she really is. These people obviously had to be gotten rid of before they could spill the big secret to the Na'vi. But she had to do it in such a way that no curious Na'vi would consider talking to or learning from the humans should they return, which ruled out a simple Zerg Rush of wildlife (which would also have risked the humans attacking from orbit).

She finds out that they are here for the Unobtanium, which is the perfect source for the conflict she needs. Eywa, in her role as Na'vi goddess, tells her people to be as uncooperative as possible. She has them spurn all offers of technology or science, and tells them to ignore the desperate need the humans have for the stuff that they're sitting on. As per her orders, some engage in low-level guerrilla warfare (such as the arrows on the truck tires). They expel the school from their village, which raises tension.

When Jake Sully arrive on the planet and becomes an Avatar, she senses in him someone bitter with humanity and fascinated by the lushness of Pandora. As a bonus, he is not a scientist. She decides that these things make him valuable as a pawn, which is why she called off Neytiri's attacking him and orders him let into the Hometree. She has him bond with animals of Pandora, perhaps subtly messing with his brain via her control of them, until he comes to feel more Na'vi than human. This has the bonus effect of distracting him from his diplomatic mission.

She needs atrocities to be sure that the Na'vi remain anti-human and anti-science. She allows the destruction of the Hometree in order to galvanize the anti-human sentiments of both her pawn Jake and the Na'vi. The naive chumps make it even easier for her by bringing her Dr. Grace to heal. Grace is the top scientist on the planet, who had been actively hunting her secret and who would have loved to reveal it if she found it; that would have caused Eywa's whole charade to crumble. And she gets to "heal" her? Perfect! As a bonus, Grace was shot by a human, so Jake's anti-human sentiments were raised even further. Dr. Grace took wounds in the chest, which shouldn't affect her mind — but they do give Eywa the perfect excuse after she absorbs the poor woman's mind. "Her wounds were too great"? Likely story. She was still alive, and her mind was intact. Nothing stopped the transfer but the fact that she would be far more useful to Eywa dead than alive. Also, to be sure that Jake further reveres her, she has Grace's hollow shell say, "I'm with her, Jake. She's real." A planetary brain that can control thousands of animals at once can control one more body (even a human one) for a minute.

Then, to ensure that all the tribes of Na'vi remember the humans only as bringers of death, she gave Jake the Toruk to gain power over them. He led them into battle, where the humans' superior technology easily slaughters them. Eywa wanted this. She needed plenty of death to get the Na'vi to hate and distrust humans forever after. A

fter she judged the slaughter to be sufficient, she commanded her mindless herd of slave-beasts to charge and overwhelm the humans. She could have done that at any time.

After that, she has the Na'vi "escort" the humans offworld. Note her insidious effect on her pawn Jake Sully: by then, he referred to his own species as "aliens". Then she transferred Jake Sully's mind to his avatar form permanently, probably performing any remaining necessary mind rearranging as well.

The plan worked like a charm. The humans are gone. The Na'vi are led by a firmly anti-human leader who deifies her. The Navi are embittered towards the humans. There is no more risk of the Navi realizing that they've been played for fools. That's right, the true villain won. You just didn't see it.

(This is an edit of a Fan Theory which blew my mind.)

I wonder...

I wonder at what age I will start untying and then re-tying my shoelaces properly, instead of just jamming my feet into already-tied shoes.