Tuesday 3 December 2013

Fantasy Football - November 2013/14

The end of October marks the end of the first Quarter of the season. Q1 had a clear winner in Andrew and a clear loser in James, with over one-hundred points between them. The middle of the table, however, is far closer run. I finished 2nd for Q1.


The League Table at the end of Q1

The transfer news going into GW10 was fairly quiet. I sold my two Spurs defenders (Vertonghen & Naughton) for two Chelsea defenders (Ivanovic & Terry) ahead of their strong fixtures. Paul sold Soldado for Benteke, while Andrew sold Moses & Grandin for Morrison & Lallana. Everyone else shuffled their bench players or saved transfers for next week.

GW10 was won be me. I captained RVP, and he scored, assisted and won 3bpts. I played five defenders, and they picked up two clean sheets - Ivanovic & Terry losing 2-0 away to Newcastle. Andrew had Rooney as captain, as did James, and Wayne did exactly as well as RVP. Every other striker failed to win points. (No-one in our league has Soldado anymore, not that he would have helped.)

In preparation for the next week, both Andrew and I buy Aaron Ramsey. He's been the breakout player of the season so far. James drops Michu for Nasri and Lukaku for Sturridge, and Paul drops Vidic for Coleman. And then, at the last minute, David Silva picks up an injry that will keep him out for the month! Ross, who'd only just brought him in, is forced to sell him for Nasri, and Paul to sell him for Yaya Toure; they both take a -4pts hit for their bad luck.

GW11 is full of suprise results. Chelsea rescue a draw at home to West Brom, Newcastle beat Spurs 1-0 at WHL, and Man City lose to Sunderland. This is a curveball which throws off quite a few teams - and that includes my own. I only made 32pts for the week, Coleman and RVP the only players to score any meaningful points. Doubling up on Chelsea defenders has gone horribly so far. Between two of them they've only earned 3pts over two weeks! Luckily for me, Jon does even worse. He only made 21pts and dropped down to fifth in the table.

The real deciding player is Luis Suarez, who runs the show as Liverpool beat Fulham 4-0. The only real differnce between teams this week comes from their Sturridge/Suarez choce. He scores twice, gets an assist, and earns 3bpts for a total 16pts. (The only other striker from our teams to score was RVP; it was a poor week.) Sturridge played only 75mins and earns only 2pts. Teams who captained Sturridge lose out - James, Jon, and myself. Andrew, Paul, and Ross, however, captained Suarez, gaining 32pts. This dramatically shakes up the table, and it's all down to one player and one decisive captain choice. Suarez has made 64pts in the last six weeks, and Sturridge only 40pts.

I immediately transfer out Sturridge for Suarez.

There's a long international break between GW11 and GW12. There are some minor transfers, but nothing major. Paul and Mike both bring in Cabaye, while Ross make room for John Terry. In injury news, RVP is again suffering from those same groin and toe injuries, Benteke still isn't fully fit, and Sturridge has a slight injury.

GW12 is won by Andrew with 73pts, who stretches his lead at the top of the table. He captained Rooney for 22pts. Jon came second for the week with 71 thanks to two Lampard goals, and I was third with 65. My two Chelsea defenders provide clean sheets, while Suarez, Mirallas and Giroud are all in the points. Ramsey has a second unspectacular week, after I've brought him in.

Not everything went according to plan in GW12. Through some terrible brain-fart, I put Luke Shaw in my starting eleven and left Mertesacker on the bench. Arsenal went on to beat Saints 2-0, and Shaw notched 1 solitary point. Meanwhile Mertesacker picked up 11 points for his clean sheet, assist, and bonus, of which I recieved none. I would have won the week if my brain had been working! Stupid mistakes cost points, and I lost out.

Injury news, as Sturridge does his ankle on Friday afternoon before GW13. In response James and Ross both transfer him out, at a -4pts cost, for Aguero and Rooney respectively, but Jon still has him. Ross and James also both feel done with Ozil, James bringing in Ramsey and Ross gets Walcott. James also made a third transfer, Nasri out for Mirallas. Meanwhile, Andrew brings in Ivanovic for Huth.

GW13 starts, and Suarez is chosen as captain by all who have him. (Only James and Jon are without Suarez now.) Suarez plays 90mins but does nothing else, to the disappointment of all, but this doesn't affect the table much at all. Paul wins the week with 74 points, Jon is last with 45. Chelsea again failed to keep a clean sheet. Ramsey has another great week, scoring twice and earning 3bpts; Ross & Jon are the only two not on the bandwagon, and they lose out despite having other Arsenal midfielders (Walcott & Ozil respectively).

The Overall Table, as it stands at the end of November.

In the head-to-head at the top of the table, Andrew beat me by 7pts. He's outscored me 4 out of the last 5 weeks, and has 42pts more than me for November. The key difference between our teams now is that while I have RVP, he has Wayne Rooney. With small niggling injuries, RVP has missed the last two weeks. Rooney has totalled 24pts in those two games, and has earned double-figures 4 times from the last 5 weeks.

Saturday 2 November 2013

Fantasy Football - October 2013/14

October started off with GW7. Suarez is most sought after, and four different people move to bring him in. Andrew and Mike (at the expense of Soldado), Paul (for Negredo), and Ross (for Rooney.) This means Ross now has both Sturridge and Suarez, and that Suarez is now more popular in our league than Sturridge, by 4 teams to 3.

Everyone in our league (except James) captained their Liverpool striker. They both played the full game and scored, but Sturridge was awarded 3bpts while Suarez was awarded none. That's an extra six-points for Jon, Ross and myself over the Suarez teams. Amalfitano came good for me again with an assist; apart from him and Yaya Toure, there were no good point-scorers from midfield for anyone in our league!

James, with Ozil as captain, lost the week. Andrew and I both won the week with 44 points; Andrew becoming the first in our league to hit 400pts overall. It was a bad week for strikers, except for Lukaku who scored his fourth goal in three games. Soldado was dropped, having not scored since GW2. Giroud hasn't scored in three weeks. Benteke is still injured. RVP played 90mins for the first time since his injury, but failed to score or assist. All of a sudden, goals from strikers seem to be drying up.

With none of the big teams keeping clean sheets either, it was only the Liverpool strikers captaincy that inflated point scores the week. That explains why James lost out so heavily. For everyone else, GW7 was evenly paced, and left our league table mostly unchanged.

With a long international break ahead, the gap before GW8 gave lots of time to tinker. I brought in Adnan Janujaz, the Man Utd teenager scored two goals in GW7 and was priced at only £4.6m. He became something of a hot property. Also popular is Lukaku, James loses Lambert for him, and also buys Januzaj. Jon decides to be rid of Soldado, for Lukaku. Meanwhile, Paul brings in Januzaj and Mata for Ben Arfa and Kasami, and Ross drops Dzeko for Benteke, who's back from injury.

The RVP situation continued to define my team. Excluding penalties, RVP hadn't scored in 14 of his last 18 league games. Worse, he now seems blighted by regular minor injuries, David Moyes once again confirming he's doubtful the Friday before a game.

GW8 was a key week as, apart from Jon and Andrew both captaining Lukaku, everyone had a unique armband choice. The clear winner was Mike with 73pts and captain Giroud winning him the week. Mike's team contains three Arsenal players and three Liverpool players, a risky strategy which pays off when those two teams play well. I came second for the week with 66pts and rose to second in the league table! That was thanks largely to Mirallas and Silva, two players I'd kept faith in over a few doubtful week. (Jon lost the week with 44pts, a tally which would have won him GW7.)


The League Table after GW8


RVP had scored a goal, which was great news, but then things took a turn for the worse again. His ongoing injury concerns continue with both groin and toe problems. He missed a midweek Champions League tie, and yet again was a doubt for the weekend.

In the mid-week transfers, I sold Jose Enrique for Vertonghen, and Jon gave up on waiting for Walcott to return from injury, upgrading to Ozil. Despite being the top point scoring midfielder in the game, Ramsey is still only owned by Paul and Mike Hackett, everyone else clearly thinking his form cannot possibly last.

GW9 and Andrew, with a team unchanged from GW7, earned 81pts. Paul also earned 81pts, and I totaled 74pts. It was another high scoring week, Mike with 55pts coming last, but a poor one for midfielders - not a single midfielder over 9.0 delivered returns beyond a clean sheet. Meanwhile, all of the popular strikers were in the goals. (Except for Benteke, who missed a penalty.) The real winner was Luis Suarez, who scored a hat-trick and 3bpts. Paul Hackett captained him, for a 34pts haul!

All said and done, October was a tremendous month for me. I won the month with 184pts, claiming second in the overall league. Andrew earned 173pts this month, and he stays top of the overall table, while James came last of the month with 127pts and stays last overall.

The in-form players of the month. The Suarez vs Sturridge choice was a crucial one across our league, Suarez the clear winner this month.

The Table for October.

Monday 21 October 2013

On Zero Dark Thirty

Zero Dark Thirty is a movie almost entirely without merit. It is a slow, dull recreation of a true story which offers no commentary on the events that took place.

The facts are these. The United States of America undertook a ten year long manhunt, rooted in revenge and fear. They tortured to get names, and then captured and tortured more for more names. They eventually discovered a fortified compound, and after much deliberation, stormed the compound in the middle of the night to kill three men who were sleeping with their families whilst those at home cheered them on.

All of this is presented as distinctly unglamorous. The people undertaking the manhunt are unhappy almost all of the time, and live in constant fear and danger. Their investigation is not interesting, there are no detective leaps or great discoveries, no 'eureka!' moment or display of Sherlock Holmes level intellect. They torture people for years and methodically trace phone calls. It is not interesting to watch. There is little to no social commentary.

And I think that was the point.

The comparison that comes to my mind is between Zero Dark Thirty and Spielberg's Lincoln. Both are very long movies about key events in US History. Both share the same theme: this is how important things get done.

In Lincoln, the freedom of the slaves comes not from sweeping socioeconomic change, or from the massive war that was just fought. It comes from a dozen Democratic Congressmen who had to choose to obey or disobey party policy in one vote. That is how slavery was abolished. It wasn't all that dramatic, but in this film that's how it is done.

Both movies present that as their 'art'. This is their insight into how things really get done. What makes key events happen. And whether or not I agree (as an historian) with isolating events such as these, I think that they make for poor films. They deliberately make the incredible mundane. And as a sub-genre of Historical Drama, I find myself liking this approach less and less.

There is almost nothing to recommend about Zero Dark Thirty.

Friday 4 October 2013

Fantasy Football - September 2013/14

GW4, and Jon Hackett plays his wildcard! After a -8pts shake up already this season, he decides to play it early and changes almost his entire squad.

I let Wanyama go and brought in Amalfitano from West Brom. The deadline day signing won me over, despite West Brom having failed to score a single goal so far. James ditched Dzeko for Benteke and Paul Hackett sold Negredo for Benteke, while Andrew dropped Kolo Toure for Distin of Everton. That turned out a smart move, Benteke scored and picked up 2bpts; also good news for Andrew, who already had Benteke as his captain, and for whom Distin picked up a clean sheet and 2bpts.

Paul Hackett wins GW4 with 60pts (and that's without 13pts from Ben Arfa who's left on the bench). He plays a 5-2-3 formation with all three of Soldado, Benteke, and RVP for great returns. Jon and Andrew both finished second with 58pts. James, Ross and Mike all had terrible weeks. For me, Giroud scored and my back four collected 3 clean sheets between them. Plus, captain RVP scored a penalty. That gave me 51pts, and moving me up to 4th in the league.

Dzeko failed to play at all last weekend, and having only scored once in the first four games I wanted to drop him from my team. Coutinho, who had looked so great in preseason, is turning out to be not so hot for fantasy football. While crucial to the way Liverpool play, he not made an assist or scored a goal yet this season, and that's not good enough for a £9.0m midfielder. Plus, he injured his shoulder against Swansea and could be out for a while. I drop Coutinho for Ben Arfa, and then it's a straight choice between Sturridge and Benteke for who to spend my money on. Both are the same price (£9.2m) and both have scored 4 goals in the first 4 weeks. But Liverpool have slightly nicer fixtures until November, and dropping Coutinho makes me want another Red to take his place, so I go with Sturridge.

In preparation for GW5, Andrew drops Dzeko for Lukaku and Ross drops Hazard for Eriksen (and £1.1m in the bank). But the big change comes from James, when he plays his wildcard!  Having been a Benteke/Soldado/Lambert team, he swaps for Benteke/Rooney/Giroud. He lets Coutinho go and spends the money on Michu, and sells his Man City assets for Ben Arfa and Moses. This doesn't immediately work out for him however. In a low scoring week, he only gets 37pts.

GW5 was full of poor results. RVP, Walcott and Silva were all late injury calls, and Benteke came off injured early in the match. Giroud failed to score or assist, as did Sturridge, as did Soldado, and Dzeko only played 17mins. Rooney scored, but the only performing striker was Lukaku in his Everton debut. He earned 7pts playing only half of the match, as he scored and picked up 2bpts. That, along with Paulinho's winning goal for Spurs, won Andrew the week.

I came second for the week and rose to third in the league overall. I had thought I was doing badly (Giroud was my captain) but Mertesacker scored and Amalfitano earned 10pts in his home debut. Owned by less than 0.1% of all Fantasy Football teams, it was great to see him come good so immediately.

The injury news created problems for almost everyone. Walcott needed a stomach operation, and as with Benteke's hip injury, they're both out for a month. Coutinho is out for similar, and both Van Persie and Silva were doubtful for GW6.

Another week, another wildcard. This time Ross throws his into the ring. He drops RVP, finding the funds for Ozil and Vidic, keeps Dzeko, and drops the injured Walcott for the in form Michu.

Out of everyone else, Mike and James swap Walcott for Ozil, Andrew swaps him for Moses. With Benteke also injured, Andrew gets in Rooney, Paul gets Lukaku and James gets Lambert; all three take a -4pts hit. The other bit of news is that Paul drops RVP - I am now the only person in the league with RVP! So I captain him, hoping to double that advantage.

Instead, I end the month with a terrible week, staying third in the table but losing all my lead over those chasing. Having captained RVP for the home game against West Brom, for which he was fit, he was rested and only earned 1pt - the worst outcome for a captain. Everyone else had good scores for their captains. Jon earned 28pts from Sturridge, while Rooney and Soldado both brought in double figures for everyone else. It was a massive disappointment for me.

Amalfitano is proving to be a great fantasy prospect, but I had put him on the bench! Thinking he'd be unlikely to earn points away at Man Utd, he only went and scored and assisted and earned 3bpts as Man Utd suffered a shock defeat. I missed out 12 points there, with Amalfitano stuck on my bench. I've also carried an injured David Silva for 3 weeks, tying up money I could have used elsewhere. GW6 is one for me to forget.

Differentials can be very important. For example, Mike is the only one in our league to have Ramsey, the star of the month; he's scored 4 goals in 3 games, his price keeps rising, and he's clearly on top form.


The form players for September.

All in all, a thoroughly disappointing GW6. Andrew won his second week in a row with 68 points and Jon came second with 59. Lukaku was the best player this week, earning 16 pts; Andrew and Paul are the only ones to have him selected. No-one in our league has Suarez, and Jon was the only one to captain Sturridge. I was bottom for the week.

The September table. James does terribly, despite his wildcard. Andrew and myself are the only ones to still have our wildcards.

That brings September to an end. Andrew the clear winner of the month, James the clear loser, despite playing his wildcard. I climbed to third in the table overall, even with RVP being a massive disappointment.

The league table at the end of the month.

Thursday 26 September 2013

On Crime Drama

There's a quote from the review of a bad film over on Pajiba about crime dramas which I've been thinking about today. Especially, how it relates to Breaking Bad.

"In a weird way, a lot of crime drama is aspirational: even as we rest in the knowledge that the criminals will have to pay for what they’ve done, we also know we’re being invited to participate in a voyeurism where we can imagine ourselves rich and wild, at least for the first two acts. There’s a humming thread of desire, of vicarious triumph, running through most crime stories, whether they’re lighthearted (Ocean’s 11) or gruesome (Scorsese). Just imagine what you could do with all this money or power, the film seems to say. It’s a tease, and it works, because it lets us fantasize on a subconscious level without abandoning our moral compass. Some crimes stories, though, are just the opposite: they never make those ill-gotten gains look like anything but a burden to be dealt with. Instead of asking “What would you do with all this?” they say “How would you deal with this?” It’s not that either type of film is saying crime pays; it’s that the former lets you flirt with the idea that it might, while the latter never lets you forget that nobody gets out alive." (A Single Shot Pajiba.com Review)

Friday 13 September 2013

Fantasy Football - August 2013/14

The story of GW1 revolved around the DGW for Chelsea and Villa. Everyone in our League had captained Hazard, who played both games and was awarded an assist for an own goal in the second. The popular choice of Lukaku up front turned out a failure, Jose Mourinho only bringing him on as a sub at the end of both games. The real winner was Benteke who scored three goals and was man of the match twice. From the rest, Mignolet also turned out to be a good choice, saving a penalty to save 'Pool's clean sheet and picking up 3bpts.

Andrew won this opening week, the only person with Benteke up front, and more points coming from his three Chelsea players and Soldado. James was second with Mignolet's penalty save and goal scoring Ivanovic to thank.

My week was a disappointing one. Coleman did well for me, scoring and assisting, but I'd left Luke Shaw on the bench after a slight injury worry and that proved a grave mistake. He kept a clean sheet and made an assist for 12pts, but I saw none of it.

The story of the first round of transfers was everyone dropping Lukaku (I brought in Giroud.). Lack of game time and tough fixtures meant everyone who had him got rid. I was the only one to take a -4pts hit to transfer out Hazard, everyone else keeping him in their team and hoping he'd do well in Mondays game against Man Utd at Old Trafford. Paul Hackett used his wildcard to shake his team up, becoming our third RVP team.

As it turned out, I needn't have bothered with the extra transfer. Hazard didn't get any extra points, but neither did David Silva, so I gained nothing for my transfer except four points spent. For GW2, Andrew won again, with James a close second again. They both had Mignolet, who kept a second clean sheet. He's earned 22pts in two weeks! That's 10 more than any other GK in our league, and I've only earned 3pts off my GK pair! They also were the only two to profit from Chelsea defenders clean sheet against Man Utd - had RVP scored Ross and I would've been top with him as captain. But he didn't, and so we didn't, and it doesn't matter "what could have" in the end.

Transfers after the second week were dominated by the dropping of Hazard, as expected. James, Jon, and Andrew all took him out; I'd already gotten rid last week. Jon had some housekeeping to do, taking a -8pts hit restructuring his team, whilst Andrew got rid of Zaha for -4pts.

GW3 was a poor one for strikers, and with everyone except Andrew fielding a team of three up front, the week was won and lost on who was captained in midfield. Mike Hackett used his wildcard for GW3, and promptly won the week (with Walcott his captain). That was on the back of Man City beating Hull 2-0, with Zabaleta and Yaya Toure his stars. Jon came second, thanks largely to Zabaleta. This combined with an average week for Andrew and James to close up the middle of league table somewhat, before the long international break between GW3-4.

The extra transfers Jon and Andrew made proved somewhat fruitful. Jon swapped out Rat (who's not first choice for West Ham) for Lescott who kept a clean sheet. Hazard had no game, and Jon had no options on the bench, so Cazorla's 3pts were important, and Weimann was a holdover from the DGW in GW1 while Anelka is a popular cheap striker. The -8 points is a big hit, but all three were necessary. That's the price of starting with 4 DGW players, you'll have to swap them out at some point. Andrew transferred out Zaha (who's price is plummeting) for Paulinho, and Hazard for Toure. He then captained Toure for a 22 point haul! However, 3 of Andrew's first team picked up zero points, and none of his bench played a single minute. Saved by his Captain, indeed.


The Dream Team so far. Mignolet has been the standout player. No-one in our league started with Giroud or Sturridge.

The gap between GW3-4 also featured Transfer Deadline Day. The biggest move of the day was Arsenal bringing in Mesut Ozil from Real Madrid. Man Utd also finally signed Feliani from Everton, while Chelsea let Lukaku go on loan to the Toffees. Bale made his move to Madrid, but the Suarez and Rooney transfer rumours came to nothing in the end.

The three RVP teams sit bottom of the table. His failure to score against Chelsea and Liverpool bringing into question just how "fixture proof" he really is. Ross suffered badly from this, captaining him both those weeks, for only 6pts reward. In contrast, Andrew earned 38pts from his captain choices (Dzeko & Yaya Toure.) The importance of a scoring captain is massive, and RVP teams can be burnt twice when he has a blank week. Still, with great fixtures coming in september and october, now would be a great time for RVP to find his scoring boots.

Ross sits above me due to the Hazard/Silva -4pts transfer. The RVP teams are a clear distance behind the Non-RVP teams, but it has only been three weeks.

Tuesday 10 September 2013

Defiance - Season 1 Review

Imagine, for a second, that you have a birthday party to organise. For this you’ve hired a great chef to help mark the occasion. He asks for flour, eggs, milk, and icing sugar, and you look forward to the great cake he is surely cooking up. But then, when the day of the great occasion comes, there stands the master chef studiously building a sandcastle of flour and eggs, with milk for the moat and little icing sugar guardsmen on the battlements.

It’s a different idea, that’s for sure, but all you wanted was a cake, so I’m sure you’d rightly be more than a bit disappointed.

Rockne S. O’Bannon is that kind of chef. He’s the creator of Farscape, a 1990s cult sci-fi show about an astronaut lost-in-space on the far side of the galaxy. Here, O’Bannon has been headhunted by the SyFy channel to create their big new sci-fi drama, and headline their recommitment of genre television. Instead, he’s made a frontier drama about the troubles of a small town.

Sense the disappointed already? After that exciting premiere three months ago, Defiance has settled down into a weekly rhythm of a plodding anti-climax.

The characters motivations are impossible to pin down and their personalities less even than paper-thin clichés. Logan, our protagonist, is an anti-hero in the style of Han Solo or Malcolm Reynolds but he has almost nothing to do and precious little to say. At the end of the entire series I know nothing about him – is he’s smart or funny or reckless or calculating or broodish or boorish, I couldn’t tell you. He has an adopted daughter, he was a soldier in the war, and now he’s the town “lawkeeper”. But the entire show hangs on the charisma of the lead role and Grant Bowler is so bland, and the scripts so drearily written, that his presence is a void, often devoid of the slightest importance to the story or interest to the audience.

His adopted daughter is an alien, and she’s angry at the world. There is a plot about her species having telepathic and powers of prescience, but she doesn’t react to that discovery with anything more than continued gently simmering anger at the world. She sometimes tumbles into bed with the deputy sheriff, but that isn’t a plot or part of her story – it’s just something that happens.

There are other aliens in Defiance, and although that’s the main hook for the poster, in truth it’s little more than a footnote for the actual show. Aliens showed up, and their arrival sort of ended the world-as-we-know-it. In this near future, the Humans and Alien Races live side-by-side (except where they don’t. We don’t see that.) These aliens are all mostly human, the most interesting ones being too expensive to show. Apart from some cultural differences and some casual racism they may as well all be human for the needs of the story. Their uniqueness is never explored or used as part of the narrative – the largest attraction of cult classic Farscape – and so remains only to be the thin tether keeping Defiance classified as a “science fiction” show.

For example, this is the main season long story: the town of Defiance is having an election, and the mayor may not be re-elected. Meanwhile, the son of a shady businessman is engaged to the daughter of the biggest landowner, causing mild tension. But, with Aliens.

To be perfectly clear, none of this makes this a "bad" show, and I'm actually looking forward to sitting down for season 2 next year. But I couldn't recommened anyone catching up with this show as it is. This isn’t even “bad” sci-fi, but that means it can never be “it’s so bad it’s good!” sci-fi. Terra Nova or Falling Skies are bad, but they had a charm in their awfulness – like watching a bad B-movie where you enjoy mocking the characters while you watch. Defiance doesn’t have that. It’s just dull. It’s a dull frontier western about small town politics, with weak characters.

Thursday 22 August 2013

Playing The Sims 3

As part of the current Humble Bundle, EA are giving away a whole bunch of games for less the £3. One of those is the Sims 3, and so I decided to give it a try and see how everything's changed. I haven't played a Sims game since the first one about fifteen years ago. My curiosity was up.

ORIGIN is a horrible service. The Sims 3 runs through it, and even worse, has extra hurdles to make it work elevate it to being an especially repulsive product. In order to activate the game you have to jump through three dozen hoops on the official sims website, entering your password and secutiry questions (like your former pets favourite foods), all while enerting your product code repeatedly, which you cannot even cut and paste but must type out manually into several tiny boxes.

Then ORIGIN tears apart your internet provider to download as much of the game as possible as quickly as possible, which is nice in theory but a nightmare in real life. It means you can only download games at night when no-when else wants to use the internet, because ORIGIN is hogginle all the bandwidth. And I do mean "all". It's like being on dial-up in the mid-90s; you need to be sure your mum wont want to use the phone for the next hour because you want to use the internet to download the friggin' Sims.

Then it wanted to patch itself several times, get me to log in again, and get me to sign in after I'd logged in. As an added bonus, the only way to change the graphics settings are in-game, and they require a restart after changing, of course. So, all things considered, and hour went by before I even got going.

Starting with the default couple in the default house, I then sat through the "how to move the camera" tutorial, because I thought it's be quicker to complete the thing than look around for how to turn it off.
Eventually, I was in the game. I had two sims - a husband and wife. They had a house, which I furnished with the necessities. And then we were off, finally, to play the game.

They world was their oyster.

I thought it would be a bit, ahem, off to immediately send the wife to the bookshelf to study cooking, and so instead I immediately sent the husband to the bookshelf to study cooking.

Having grown up on The Sims 1, I have a healthy understanding of how goddamn useless your sims are when they first start the game. They can just about "cook" a light salad for dinner, and half the time they manage to set the entire kitchen ablaze doing just that (Lord knows how) and that just isn't on.

So first things first, one of these two must immediately study cooking, while the other goes around going 'coo-ee' at all the new paintings and pot-plants, as Sims are want to do.

My new grown-up enlightened modern sensibilities enabled, Mr. Sim spent the rest of the day studying cooking, with no time allowed for a toilet break or a coffee break. Meanwhile, the wife got a job as a politician because that used to be an "easy" career choice, given how goddamn over-powered the 'charisma' ability is/was, for all you need to do to train that up is talk to yourself in the mirror.

And so the first day was passed, with Mr. Sim sitting in the cheapest most uncomfortable chair known to man reading how to cook, and his wife, Mrs. Sim, talking to herself in a mirror.

At 9pm they ordered pizza, talked for a bit about the tv and the weather (I think, it's hard to tell with sims) until they were happy, and sent promptly to bed.

The Sims 3 has this concept of "weekdays" and "weekends" which I find disconcerting. On weekdays you have to send your Sim to work and you get weekends off. Back in my day, your sims could just bunk off work every one day in three and there'd be no repercussions, but that allowance doesn't exist anymore.

So Mrs. Sim needed her rest in order to be ready to go to work the next morning, in her first day as an important local politician. And there in arose a problem: I had placed the bed slightly too near the wall for both Sims to get in it at once. And with Mrs. Sim asleep, Mr. Sim couldn't get to bed. Making matters worse, in order to move the bed, I'd have to wake up Mrs. Sim - not an option with work at 9am the next day.

So, I sent Mr. Sim back for a nap on the couch, and then he was to spend an all-nighter studying cooking.

Morning came, and Mrs Sim woke up. Slightly too late, I might add, to both have a shower and eat breakfast, so off she went to work. Hungry. Mr Sim then went to bed, tired and angry at the world, to sleep all day.

That evening he set the kitchen on fire trying to cook the first nice meal for the two of them, moments after the wife broke the toilet the first time she used it, and so I let them burn to death for their stupidity.

= THE END =

Sunday 18 August 2013

Fantasy Football 2014 Season Preview

A new Fantasy Football season is upon us, and at 1130am the Fantasy Deadline slamed shut, with every side confirmed for the start the season.

The two highest scoring players in the game last season where Bale and RVP. As a result, they’re the two most expensive players in the game this time around. Finding the funds for either requires sacrifices elsewhere, and so choosing to go without either is a popular thought.

The uncertainty of the transfer window doesn’t help matters. Gareth Bale has been so strongly linked to Real Madrid for record breaking amounts of money that his departure appears almost a foregone conclusion. That leaves the big question at the start of the season as this:  

To RVP or not to RVP.

League Top Scorer two years in a row, and nailed on first choice for the defending champions, Robin van Persie would be first name into any fantasy team were price no object. But his value of £14m is incredibly high. Suarez and Aguero are £11m, and Rooney is £10.5m, with a clear gap to the £9.5m strikers below them. Cutting the necessary £3m-5m from the rest of your squad means losing out on a lot of other talent. Nonetheless, if RVP hits form, not having him selected could be disastrous, and finding the money spare mid-season (without using your transfer wildcard) would be a tough task. Another factor, RVP is “fixture proof”, as he’s a captinable asset no matter who he’s up against, capable of scoring in any game, and potentially takes penalties and free kicks for Man Utd. It is, to my mind, the biggest decision of pre-season.

I decided straight away I wanted RVP, and everything else was based around making room for him.

As a result, my starting team has a strikeforce of RVP, Dzeko and Lukaku. Worth £29.5m all together, I’m reliant on RVP scoring a lot, and straight from the start. My midfield is Hazard and Coutinho, Mirallas, Delph, and Wanyama. Two top players/ one mid-priced/ two budget (£35.5m). My backline has no premium defenders: Jose Enrique, Mertesacker, Coleman, Collins, Shaw. They’re only £25.5m. My goalkeepers are a rotation pair of Vorm and Marshall, meaning I need the two welsh teams to keep clean sheets this year. Here’s hoping those fifteen turn out to be good choices! My starting team last year made me cringe when I looked back on it at the end.

The transfer window has been a slow burn this summer, and not too dramatic so far. Soldado at Spurs should provoke interest; I would buy him for sure if I had the funds. Manchester City have also spent big, but until a few games have been played it’s uncertain who will be first choice for each position, making it uncertain how to act on those signings. Chelsea, Arsenal and Man Utd have done little worth notice, yet. The last two weeks of August are sure to throw a spanner into many fantasy football plans, somehow!

The two biggest “want-away” transfer targets, who keep being making headlines, are Luis Suarez and Wayne Rooney. Two key players for Liverpool and Man Utd, both would be key players for whichever team they end up with. The uncertainty over them keeps them out of many fantasy football teams. (Suarez is also banned for the first six matches for biting Ivanovic last season.) It seems unlikely either will be sold in the end, but it should keep them out of most fantasy managers thoughts.

The other factor skewing these opening selections is a double game week (DGW) for Chelsea and Aston Villa. It is not uncommon for managers to overload their team with DGW players for this one week and hope to score big. I personally am very distrustful of this strategy. Real football managers often rotate their squads unpredictably when fixtures congest like this. However, picking the right player on a DGW can really pay big, and the allure is indisputable.

The defending champion of our league is Jon Hackett. His team is built upon a front line of Soldado, Lukaku, and Weimann (of Villa, presumable for the DGW.) A midfield of Hazard, Walcott, Ben Arfa, Sterling, and Jesus Navas, in total worth £40.5m – the advantage of saving that £5m by going without RVP. His defence has Cahill, Rat, Zabaleta, and Coleman, with a Westwood/Boruc GK pairing. That’s three Chelsea players for their DGW, and doubling up on Man City for their early run of easy games.

Ross Cooper ‘s is the only other team to have started with RVP. Encouragingly, his team is similar to mine, with RVP, Dzeko and Lukaku up top. He also has Hazard and Mirallas in the middle, like me, and besides them Walcott, Kim (Cardiff), and Grandin (Palace). That’s a £36m midfield of two premium/ one mid-priced/ two budget, like mine. His defence is more economical, with Dawson, Luna, Amorebieta, Collins, and Clyne, allowing him a Mignolet/Marshall GK pair.

Then there’s Andrew “Claims he would’ve won if he’d not run off to the USA mid-season” Hackett. He’s gone for Soldado, Lukaku, and Benteke up front – a popular combination from non-RVP teams given this Villa/Chelsea DGW. His midfield of Hazard, Walcott, and Mirallas are also popular choices, with Zaha and Grandin cheaper hopefuls. A backline of A. Cole, Lescott, Toure, Rat and Shaw are solid choices, and not too expensive at £26.5m for the lot. He has the two Saints keepers of Jaaskelainen & Gazzaniga; with Shaw that means he can double up for any Southampton clean sheets. He’s gone heavy for the DGW with four expensive players, but apart from that it’s an even side with players from all different teams.

James Brand meanwhile has Soldado, Dzeko, and Lambert up front – a middle option to the expensive Sold/Dzek/Benteke of Andrew and the cheap Sold/Dzek/Weimann of Jon. His midfield of Hazard, Walcott, Coutinho, Mirallas, and Kim is expensive – a three premium/one mid/one budget set up. His backline of Ivanovic, Koscielny, Collins, Garrido, and Chester is balanced, with a Mignolet/Mannone GK rotation pair. He’s got two Arsenal and two Liverpool players for their early fixtures.

There’s also Mike “in Australia” Hackett with a Lukaku, Berbatov, Anelka front three. A midfield of Walcott, Carrick, Arteta, Yaya Toure, and Fallaini, possibly to take advantage of the new bonus points system. A solid backline of Zabaleta, Glen Johnson, Koscielny, Walker, and Shawcross, with a GK pair of Begovic/Foster. Three Arsenal players in that team make him reliant on them getting the best of their early fixtures.

Finally, there’s Paul “Father Figure” Hackett, who’s picked a Benteke, Lukaku, Dzeko attack. Behind them come Mata, Hazard, Lallana, Puncheon, and Routledge. That’s a midfield reliant on Chelsea and Saints early fixtures. Then a strong defence of Kompany, Vidic, Jagielka, Vlaar, and Huth with a GK rotation pair of Mignolet/Guzan.

Some interesting things to note at the start.

The RVP question has led to only two people choosing to start with him, while 5 go without. That could be good news for me, as his goals would benefit me and not the others. Also, everyone has been won over by the Chelsea DGW opening, with everyone except Mike starting with at least two blues players, and Jon, Andrew and Paul choosing three. Those three also have made sure to have at least one Villa player included as well, (Andrew and Paul choosing Benteke, Jon taking Weimann) and Paul having Vlaar to make 5 DGW players! Given Villa’s tough fixtures and blank GW3 it’ll be interesting to see how the gamble pays off. Hazard is the most popular of the Chelsea players, with everyone except Mike finding a way to fit him in their team. Lukaku is also very popular, in every team except for James’, with no-one choosing to go for any other Chelsea striker; Ba & Torres held in low regard. Obviously, the general view is that going without that pair is too risky for the Chelsea DGW. It’ll be very interesting to see who carries them through into September and the season proper.

Mingolet also proves popular, as I’d thought, with 3 teams starting him as GK. None of them, however, have trusted to put him in for every game. Instead, they have him in a rotation pair (presumably), with a £4.5m or £5m keeper. Bale has been left out of every team, however as he’s famously not fit for the season start, he could well become important if he’s still at Spurs when the transfer window shuts. In his place, Soldado has proven a popular choice for non-RVP teams. Three people chose him as their most expensive striker, hoping he settles quickly to the premier league, and to take advantage of Spurs' great early fixtures. Excluding Chelsea and their DGW, only Mike’s chosen the bold idea of fielding the full three players from one side, with three from Arsenal. Andrew did the same, however his is deceptive - since his backup GK is Gazzaniga he cannot play all three at the same time.

The only other stand out player is Theo Walcott. He finds his way into four teams, despite limping out of England’s friendly match against Scotland midweek. He scored 14 goals last season, and is one of the top goal-scoring midfielders. Interestingly, absolutely no-one has gone for Santi Cazorla, who costs the extra £0.5m more, and scored twelve goals last season from midfield. Other ignored players include Sturridge, Aguero, Giroud, Silva, Michu, Baines or Cech – a great surprise to me personally as I’d expect them to be popular choices all around. Also, James is the only person other than myself to choose Coutinho in midfield. Other players have steered well away from the £9m midfielders, Jon taking Jesus Navas the only exception. The others looking to the premium options (Hazard, Mata, Walcott,) or for value elsewhere.

And that is how the teams set us up for the season ahead.

Monday 29 April 2013

The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey

I just rewatched the first half of The Hobbit, and it’s quite the mess. Truth be told, I think it does come together by the end, but I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to watch it all in one sitting.

It's hard to pin down exactly what'd ruins the early sections of the movie for me. The "wizard" with bird shit in his beard, who drives a sled pulled by rabbits, is a prime choice for the worst bit. But what really did it for me, and made me actually up and rage-quit, was the scene where the trolls are making constant fart and snot jokes, being the dictionary definition of "mild peril" like this is goddamn Ice Age 5 or Madagascar 6 or Cars 4 or whatever cheap hackney kids movie is in theatres now.

The fact it takes forever to get started, and that Martin Freeman makes the exact same reaction face before and after he speaks every line (hesitates, frowns and sighs,) put me in a bad mood, and then that troll scene finally did it.

However, I stand by it being a good movie. Not just a decent one, but a good one. A movie worth watching. And I got to thinking, how can a movie which deliberately wastes so much of the audience’s time be forgiven for such a thing?

After (literally) two hours of wasting time, the movie starts to come together. Gollum shows up, and afterwards there's something of a final set-peice. Those scenes are actually really great to watch, taken on their own, and truth be told they leave me cautiously looking forward to the next film. Call me a sucker and you'll likely not be wrong, but An Unexpected Journey does pick up at the end.

See, I was thinking about it, and here's the thing. The Hobbit assumes it's already won you over. It doesn't feel the need to achieve anything quickly, or really to do anything at all, because it knows you'll put up with its timewasting bullshit. And people like me do, put up with it I mean, and walk out planning to buy a ticket for the sequel. Because I'm happy to watch a band of adventuring misfits walk slowly around New Zealand for a few hours.

If you can suffer through the worst bits, which there's admittedly a constant stream of early on, and can get past the entire enterprise having the feel of the unnecessary prequel to a better movie yet to come, it does honestly start to become something different once the gang leave Rivendell. I'd say it's worth finishing.

It’s just that The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey is hard to love.

Monday 18 March 2013

2013 and the Months of Bad Movies.

In case you hadn't noticed, by the way, there are literally no good films out. At all. There's only stuff life GI Joe 2 and Burt Wonderstone coming out in the next few weeks, and that looks about as enjoyable as tinnitus.

This is literally the worst start to a year, in terms of movies at the cinema, that I can think of.

For example, through these first 12 weeks of 2013, it’s been a miserable time at the box-office. To quote my go to movie website these days, 'There have been only two legitimate box-office hits: Oz the Great and Powerful (us$145 million after 10 days) and Identity Thief (us$123 million after six weeks). It’s so bad at this point that the third and fourth highest grossing films of 2013 are the forgettable Mama (us$71 million) and the putrid Safe Haven (us$66 million). Nearly every weekend this year has been met with either a huge bomb or a major disappointment." Take Jack the Giant Slayer, Bryan Singer’s massive us$200million picture, which came in at just over us$28 million. That's a worse opening than even John Carter, and it’s not alone. Die Hard 5, Gangster Squad, Safe Haven, Hansel & Gretel, Parker...


2013 blows.


(source)

Friday 22 February 2013

How To Watch Star Wars

So, the other day, I was killing time at the bus stop, in the freezing wind and snow, letting my mind drift, and I wondered to myself, what movies would I wish to watch for the first time again.

Obviously some movies with big twist endings. Maybe Chris Nolan’s movies, The Prestige, Memento, Inception. I wish I could see The Matrix in the cinema, or Jurassic Park on the big screen.

And while those are good thoughts, those are not the right answer. I wish I could watch Star Wars for the first time again. Because I want to watch it in machete order. I don’t want to watch it in the normal order, and neither should you. Just listen as to why.

First though, a disclaimer. This isn’t my idea. I wish I had thought of it, but I didn’t. The original idea, as far as I know, comes from an American blogger called Rod Hilton, back in 2011.
http://www.nomachetejuggling.com/2011/11/11/the-star-wars-saga-suggested-viewing-order/

Second, this is a spoiler free zone. If you’ve never seen Star Wars, well, you’re priorities need straightening. But I’m not going to tell you what happens and ruin the fun for you, so don’t worry about that.

OK. So. Star Wars. The first film, which is Episode 4, came out in 1977. It’s followed by Episodes 5&6 in what’s called the Original Trilogy. Then, in 1999, there was Episode 1, followed by Episodes 2&3. The general view is that the new films, or The Prequel Trilogy, are not quite as brilliant as the Original Trilogy.

If you decide to watch Star Wars for the first time, you are presented with two basic options. You could either watch them in Release Order, or Episode Order. Both of the options have massive flaws.

Watching them in Episode Order (1,2,3,4,5,6), ruins the twist in Empire, which you might already know, but more than that the prequels don’t tell a very good standalone story. You need the knowledge of the 4,5&6 to really enjoy the prequels.

The problem with watching them in chronological order is that the prequels are designed to lead into Luke Skywalker’s story, and so the ending of episode 3 is unsatisfactory as it’s not meant to be THE END, but just a natural pause between episodes 3&4.

The alternative suggestion, which has exploded in popularity amongst Star Wars fans, is affectionately known as Machete Order.

Star Wars isn’t really the story of Anakin Skywalker, it’s the Story of Luke Skywalker. Machete Order maintains this by starting with Episode 4, which is the beginning of Luke’s journey. We then continue into Episode 5, which famously ends with somewhat of a cliff-hanger. BUT, and this is the fun part, instead of going straight on, to Episode 6, we take an extended flashback to the Prequels. This means that we get to see the best start to the series and the best end to the series, in their rightful places. Delaying the resolution of Luke’s story makes it all the more satisfying, and it frames the prequel story neatly.

So, after finishing Empire Strike Back, what do you watch next?

This is the clever part. SKIP EPISODE 1.

Star Wars Episode 1 is one of the most disappointing films ever made. If you want to know exactly why, I name Mr. Plinkett’s review as one of the best videos on all of youtube. Simply put, Episode 1 is boring and pointless. NOTHING that happens in the movie is necessary to the grand plot of Star Wars, and almost none of it is enjoyable to watch.

EXHIBIT A – Jar-Jar
EXHIBIT B – The Senate

In Machete Order, you skip straight from Episode 5, back into the flashback prequel story of Episode 2. And the things which get removed, are gone for the good of everyone involved.

There’s almost no Jar-Jar, there’s no terrible acting from Jake Llloyd, no midichlorians. We don’t need to know about pod-racing, and while Darth Maul is cool, he’s not actually important to anything. There’s no confusion between Padme and the Decoy, there’s no Trade Disputes, no references to a virgin birth.

But it’s not just about removing the unloved ugly child of Star Wars, removing Episode 1 tells a far better story. Every new character in Episode I is removed from the main story afterwards (Darth Maul, Qui-Gon, Chancellor Valorum), or re-introduced more effectively in Episode 2(Mace Windu, Palpatine, Watto). Anakin is never an annoying child, he’s an impulsive young man when we first meet him. Obi-Wan looks like Obi-Wan did in the Original films, and in Episode 2 he acts more like he did then, compared to Episode 1 when he was only an apprentice. Knowledge of the prequels also adds a great deal to the final film, episode 6. (To explain why would be a severe spoiler, so if you want to know why you should check out Rod Hilton’s original article.)

The biggest problem with machete order is that viewers tend to think there was more back-story in Episode 1 then there actually was. People assume Episode 1 was important somehow, when it really, really, isn’t important at all.

You can still watch Episode 1, after everything else. It does have some fun moments, but it’s best to treat it in the same way you’d treat any Expanded Universe stuff, like the TV show or the video-games. It’s not part of the main story.

I wish I could re-watch Star Wars. I wish I could watch it just for machete order. Just so I could see it the best way.

4 - 5 - 2 - 3 - 6

Sunday 17 February 2013

Community returns to TV!

Community started up again this month, and that’s all kinds of a good thing. Having had to cruelly wait nearly four months for the was-to-be-October-19th season 4 debut, anticipation levels for the new season were as high as could be.

Community has always been a show which is constantly changing. As Abed himself says, “I remember when this show was about a community college.” Those early episodes of the Study Group having homework assignments due for Spanish class are long gone, with neither of these opening episodes paying more than lip service to the idea the group are studying history this season. This isn’t unexpected. After introducing Omar-From-The-Wire as a biology teacher last year, the show completely wasted any potential humour hidden there. Instead, Community went off onto a wacky tangent about Troy being head-hunted by the AC Repair school. The Study Group are that only in name, and have been for a few years now, and so worrying that the new season will focus less on their College lives feels a moot point.

The reason for the extra scrutiny this time around, comes from the departure of show-runner Dan Harmon from the series. The much talked about animosity between Chevy Chase (Pierce) and Harmon, with the wrap party public spat and embarrassing drunk dial debacle, ultimately led to Harmon leaving the show and Chevy Chase sticking around for this fourth season before also parting company.

Having a show-runner leave the show is by no means the final nail in the coffin for a program often rumoured to be in danger of cancellation. The West Wing continued on without Sorkin, Larry David left Seinfeld and Amy Sherman-Palladino left Gilmore Girls. The loss of Dan Harmon may actually free the show to move in a new direction. While the tone of the show was definitely set by Dan Harmon, the characters themselves have been rather directionless of late. Shirley has been poorly used, Britta and Annie have been devoid of momentum in their personal arcs for a long time now. Last season’s over-reliance on Tory & Abed was what made this most apparent, with those two being given most of the main plots and character development.

A new season brings new opportunities for Community to grow, and with Dan Harmon moved on from the project, this could actually allow the breathing room the show needed just as it was beginning to stagnate. In some ways it reminds me of the new life which was breathed into Star Trek after Gene Roddenberry stepped down, with Berman & Piller taking over. Hopefully the tenure of David Guarascio and Moses Port will do the same for Community.